Behind the Wheel of my Own Life

I've been on a journey for about a year now, trying to discover myself and what I want and who I am. When I was younger I battled myself so much trying to make myself do certain things, like get a Business degree, commission into the military, and desire a family and marriage. The typical suburbia woman. The reality was that I had no interest at all in these things, least of all a Business degree. What I would later come to realize (after a few years of wreckless nights and trying to figure out why I didn't want this) is that these weren't really my dreams, but those of others.

Now, I'm able to get behind the wheel of my own life to direct myself where I want to go. I'm not ashamed anymore that I want to travel the world, see everything and meet everyone. But there's something else that has been bugging me lately, just a subtle feeling in my heart that is tugging me.

Before I came to Las Vegas, I've been thinking that I don't have that many friends. I know alot of people, but I don't let myself get close to that many people. But since being in Las Vegas, I have turned into an Emo loner that gets down about everything. When I listen to myself complain to Ryan about these things, I think, "God, could I really deal with this? With someone bitching to me all the time about how much life sucks?" The answer is no; I would probably hang up on myself or not return my texts. But unfortunately, because I live in my own head, I can't do that. But Ryan, being the amazing boyfriend that he is, just listens and is so positive.

What's really waking me up though is the reality of this damn job. I've been doing my job for about two years now and honestly, I've gotten better, but not as good as I'd like to be. I think its a  mix between lack of confidence, giving up when it gets hard, and just not liking electronics. But, after being out here with my instructor, he's pretty much criticized everything that I do. It pissed me off at first, but when I thought about it, I started to realize that I'm the problem. Its my lack of confidence and giving up that holding me back.

So now, as I'm looking at my life over all, I'm seeing where I'm not being all that I can be (Yes, I know that was an Army National Guard slogan 15 years ago). There are so many places where I blame other people for my problems.

Like, the fact that I don't have many close friends: because I am an Emo loner (not really Emo, I just don't take initiative to get close to people or even open up). Or my job, I give up too soon. Its ironic because... I'm realizing that the problem is me, holding myself back.

So, whats the fix? How do I get better at my job and make more friends? How do I move on from what I've been and bloom into who I am capable of? Well, the first thing is to change my way of thinking. I've heard so many therapists, books, etc say, "Change that negative thinking and you'll change the world."

Well, I kinda had an idea of what they were talking about, but it didin't hit me like a grand piano falling 70 stories to the street below until now. I have so many negative thoughts going through my head. Like:

1. No one could ever like me. I am not a likeable person.

2. If I talk to them, they'll just ignore me. I have nothing interesting to say

3. There's something about me that is unlikeable, maybe even unloveable.

Just thoughts like these. But the reality is that there are alots of things about me that are loveable. I have two people that really like me because of who I am. I am one of those people that does stuff for people that I love. But the hard lesson to learn is that not everyone is going to be appreciative and some people are going to take advantage of it. And that hurts. But I don't think that means that you have to hold yourself back just because some people take advantage of it. Just move on from them.

So this week I am beginning to see where I put my personal power in other people's hands or just give it up to no one in particular. I can't even remember where I heard this, but I like it, "Your definition of who you are comes from inside yourself, not from what other people think you are or should be." It basically gives me the personal power to define who I want to be and what I want to do. But what is that? When on a journey to find yourself and live your life where does that come from? What do I want and how do I determine that?

Well, this is what I can think of:

1. At this point in my life, I have very few options of change simply because I have a career that I can't just up and leave, I have a boyfriend that I love and an apartment.

2. I have a set of values that I want to live up to because they provide me with feeling of wholeness and self respect.

3. I believe that God doesn't necessarily want to take you out of where you are once you become a Christian.

So what does all this mean? It means that I'm stuck in the exact same position that I've been in for the last two years. It doesn't mean that I have a dream job that allows me to travel the world or meet heads of state, etc. I'm still Alisha, serving in the US Air Force. So, it means that I have to become the best of the best and learn to do my job very well. Additionally, if I am to progress in my life, I need to develop a good attitude as well as good people skills so that I can advance. I need to stop holding myself back.

Well, that's it for now. Tata for now.