New creation and the Spirit

I've had alot of insight lately about God and who he is and who I am in him and how my life fits into the whole big scheme of things. One thing that is made abundantly clear is that I am not at peace with God without Jesus. With Him, everything makes sense and I'm fine; without him, living by the flesh, everything is dark and scary.

I started by realizing that in God, there is much love and nothing can separate me from that. God's love has no limits and abounds more in my weakness. I am reconciled to him because before him, wrestling with him, my will instead of his, there was nothing for me. Additionally, the world is the same way, there is nothing for the world where Jesus is not because this world is condemned from the time of Eve. Additionally, God did not send Christ to die out of condemnation, no! He sent his son because the world is already condemned, already groaning and suffering from our sin. But God saw everything on it and, out of love, sent his son to die for it. He has no desire for his creation to die; however, it is because he has given us a choice that he must allow suffering because we, as his creation will not be forced to choose him, but to choose our own way. Those who do not choose him do so because they do not like their evil deeds to be exposed. Their pride blinds them to such things. Their flesh keeps them from seeing their truth of their ways. They cannot stand the exposure. So people choose hell, not God. God sent a way for man to be eternally saved; however, they don't choose it. Consciously, they reject Him.

Only those who love God can see. That is why he says, "Let those who have eyes see, and those who have ears hear." The Spirit reveals such things; God sees the heart and knows every secret, for even in the darkness of the hearts, such things are as light to God. He knows mans evil deeds. But God also judges the righteous and he sees their hearts. No matter where they are, he is there. In the farthest heavens or the deepest seas, if they stand on the farthest horizon, God is there. He is who he is; no matter where we are. And God searches the hearts of men and finds those things that are not pleasing to him.

And God uses Christians to show his love. It is not our responsibility to bring others to Christ, but be a lamp to a dark world, be salt to a world that has lost its taste. And the beauty of God is that he allows all of us to do it in our own way. Because there are different people that can reach others. Not everyone's flavor will attract the same type of people.

And I am God's. Body, mind and spirit. All these things belong to him, not man. He is the one that I want to have me, no other man. How do I reconcile this though with the teachings of the world. Here it is: I am in the world, not of it. I cannot live by the teachings of this society. Because they directly conflict with God's teachings and his Spirit. I have to submit my flesh to the cross everyday, but the beauty of God is that he helps me. When I am unsure of what I need, his Spirit tells me. And often makes prayer for me when I am unsure how or what to pray for. I belong to him and I cannot give myself to this world anymore. There is a baggage that comes with my time in the world: There is guilt that I don't want to sleep with men, there is guilt for saying no to not being in a relationship or turning a man down. However, the cool thing is that I'm starting to ignore that guilt and move on with it my life and live it by boundaries. And all in all, my boundaries are the things that keep me sane. I'm working on enforcing them and I will get stronger as time goes on.

But for now, I belong to God. He has put his mark upon me and called me. As the woman who had five husbands, he told me to go and sin no more and that was it! Additionally, I lay myself down to him as Mary Magdalene submitted herself to Christ and pored oil on his feet.

Lord, I love you. You are my awesome Savior and I want to be with you forever. I submit my will to you and bow at your feet. Lord, I crucify my flesh to the cross today. Lead me and guide me! Amen!

Growing up sucks.

I don't know how this feeling came about or when it started to develop. I don't know if its the common sense that Ryan was trying to teach me or if I just got fed up with alot of things. But these same mistakes that I kept making all of the time, are finally starting to wear me down and I can't deal with them any more. I have to keep myself out of these situations.

Like how breaking up hurts, or having sex with random guys hurts. Deep. This is the one part the sexual revolution forgot to mention. It hurts to have sex and forget about them. But you never do. And I realized the other day how this shit affects my life. How having sex with friends or before I'm ready makes things more complicated. I'm not the type of girl that can just turn this stuff off or turn my feelings off.

I'm also making a vow to myself to never be that girl. The one that guys keep around when they want something or are bored... Thats embarrassing and I never want to be that girl. I can never do that. I respect myself more than that.

But the hardest part of all is accepting that something that you hoped for will never happen, and that people will lie and try their hardest to convince you otherwise. Thats what hardest with Drew, but I have a new life to get back to that I can start to myself, no more bad. Its all going to be good.

Developing the situation.

So, I've learned a very valuable lesson down here: develop the situation on the ground. I typically worry about things and try to plan and predict, but the funny thing about life is that it has a tendency to throw you curve balls and confuse you a lot.

I'm not liking the person that I'm becoming though. I feel so off balance by a lot of things that I'm not sure how to react. I was fine in my own little world where I was nice to everyone and quiet. But now I'm learning that you can't really be that way; however, I don't like how I'm thinking... I'm thinking really mean thoughts and I'm cussing a lot more. I don't really like that!

Last night when I flew with this other crew. I kept worrying that no one liked me. I kept getting nervous around Kayla... But why? So to counteract that I was like, "Oh she's ___insert profanity/insult___"  but I decided that I didn't really like that about me. I don't like thinking that way, but its easier to think that way than to feel emotional or whatever about the situation; however, I think that I need a nobler way to look at it. I need a better way to look at it, because I don't want to be associated as that kind of person.

I also feel like I need to learn how to say things in a better way than I have. I don't like how I just say mean things. I really just want to say the right thing but without being too weak. I think this is going to take some effort, prayer, and pissing some people off. But I really like Aristotle's Theory of the means where he said that the extreme of two virtues is not good, but the middle virtue is the best: being nice is not necessarily good, but being rude isn't either. What is the middle virtue? Assertive. Just saying what you think. Not forcing it aggressively or being passively nice about it, but simply saying, "Hey this is how I feel and I need you to accept it."

I was also thinking about another tactic that is not quite working in my life. I used to drive myself nuts by lying to myself about... everything when it came to men. I was such a mess. However, now that I am being honest with myself, I'm a hell of a lot happier. But one thing that I realized about my relationship with Ryan is that we were both moving on but I was still trying to hold onto the relationship, keep it a primary and everything else was just a back up and unfortunately, I dragged his friend into it. I was so wrong in that relationship. Lesson learned: If my partner is not making plans that benefit me or the relationship... its time to move on.


I also want to say that... a lot of my behavior really bothers me and I need to get rid of it. I need to stop. I don't like certain thoughts that I think or things that I do. I don't like my nervous habits or how I have hostility towards other girls! I think that I cover that up with "niceness" because I don't know how to be assertive. I really need to reassess how I am interacting with people.

Life is a journey, not a destination!

Its been about a week since my last post. But, alot has happened. I was into a guy, then doubting it then learned a really great lesson about men.

I left off last time with how I had been talking to a guy and pissed another girl off. Oops! But he was really into me so I decided that we could try dating, but there was a part of me that was like, "Um, I'm not sure about this." Then last night he told me that he just wanted to be friends. But he still kept kissing me, cuddling up to me, just being really sweet in ways that I assumed a guy would act if they wanted a relationship. So I asked some people about it.  I got everything from "he's gay" to "he has a girl back home" to "he's young and just not ready for a relationship." All those I buy but the gay one.

Funny thing is that I thought that it was me and went over and over again in my mind what I did wrong. Then suddenly I realized that I wasn't wrong. I just thought that the relationship was a little more than it really was. His commitment wasn't there. What I didn't realize until tonight is that just because a guy likes you, doesn't mean that he wants to commit to you. That is a very interesting concept to understand. I always assumed that if you liked each other then you would date and if that went well you would marry and call it life... but I guess the other side to life is that men don't necessarily work that way.

Another important lesson that I learned is that I need to listen to that voice inside me. The one that says things that I don't necessarily WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. All those observations that I don't necessarily like, but have to live with. And those are things that I have to tell people in my life.

Someone that I talked to told me things that I had already thought of, but for some reason was unwilling to listen to myself, or for some reason didn't trust myself on. But I decided that I wasn't going to be upset about it, I 'm just going to move on and let it be a journey, not wallow in mud at a dissapointing destination.

I think that I'm well on my way to getting what I want, I just have to be honest with myself first (why do I struggle with this!?!?) and then honest with other people. The good news is that I'm getting better about being honest with myself; the reason that I 'm learning it so late in the game is that I never allowed myself to have those experiences when I was younger. And when I did and I made those mistakes, instead of fessing up to them or learning from them I had too much pride and blew it off. But now, I'm learning from them and learning some hard lessons, but the more I learn the better I'll be.

I also think that just when I thought I had life figured out, its got something else in store for me to learn, so I really just need to be flexible and go with the flow and try my best in every situation, but still have standards and principles that I live by. I'm getting this thing! One mistake at a time! But I'm getting there!!!!!

Don't discount the good.

So, I'm learning a balancing act in my life. I'm working on keeping up a social life, a budding relationship, and a career. I don't want either to get out of hand, but I'm trying to work on this relationship and keep it balanced. I don't want to get so into him that I make the mistake of rushing it, but I also don't want to drift toward the other end and be extremely critical. I think that its going to be a quick balancing act.

He has told his friends that he's taking it slow with me, and I really like that. But also, I like the idea of just letting things simmer and get good. Just taking time and making it good. I really like him.

There are some things that I have a concern about, but I'm thinking that its just because he's a guy. But, as long as he respects my boundaries to stop when I need him to, then I'm fine. But I think that in about two weeks, we should start talking about whats going on with us. I'm not really good about broaching the subject.

Another thing that I was thinking though, is that there are a few guys that are pricks. Like TSgt Green and SSgt Reis. They are cool sometimes, but every now and then, I want to get a lil ghetto on them. But Reis was making fun of me today because I made some mistakes and Green was a doushe to me yesterday because of a miscommunication, but it got me to thinking. When people act that way to me, there's usually a reason that people do that, there has to be some little truth to what they say. So instead of getting pissed or discounting it when they tear me down, why not take a look at it and see if there's a way that I can use something it in to build back up.

For example, when I kept making dumb decisions, Reis asked me if I was ready to be an instructor because of them. Then I thought about it and it really bothered me, but then I thought about it and, even if he's joking, I really do need to get my shit together. Being an instructor will necessitate that I been shit hot!

So, I'm getting in the books, getting my shit together! Ugh! Here I come.

Take care of the things that you can control

I had a good chat with the Chaplain this afternoon. I told him about how I felt like I was on an emotional pendulum because of how I thought other people perceived me. That it is rooted in the fear of being alone or abandoned by people. But he asked me, is that my problem or their's? I know its their's. I am not responsible for other people's emotional well being, but where do you draw the line between that and just being a shitty person.

He also asked me to figure out what kind of person I want to be. I want to be a good person. I person who is trustworthy, reliable, confident, etc. Those are things that I need to control, but I don't know if I've been doing a good job of it lately. The main thing is my accountability at work. I forgot to tell my supervisor that I was flying yesterday, and they waited around for me because no one told him. Another thing is that I was supposed to go in today for work, but they had someone else covering my shift. I ended up getting yelled at for coming in in civilian clothes, but I'm on crew now, my chain of command changed. I guess this is why communication is so important.

Learning from the Past

Two nights ago I went out with some friends for a promotion party. Needless to say, I got pretty wasted. The following sentences are going to sound like a bunch of drama, but I got to get it out. A guy showed up that I liked and he liked me. However, another girl in my party like him also... But I think that it was obvious he didn't like her. So, anyway, we ended up going home together; needless to say she was pissed.

It bothered me all day yesterday how she reacted. But I don't think that it was because I hurt her; it was because I was so afraid that she would turn other people against me. No one would want to be friends. But I really like this guy and have the chance to make some really good friends. All day yesterday, I kept telling myself that I had done something wrong. Kept rehearsing over and over again in my head how I was going to grovel at her feet and say, "I was so wrong for what I did, I shouldn't have done that," etc. But something else took over as I was listening to the things I was telling myself, and I thought. Are those things really true?

The answer is no. I don't think that I really care because I like the guy. I probably should have gone about it a better way than to just up and leave with him, but I think that by the end of the night, after she told him to watch out for me, I figured, WTF ever.

For some reason though, there is a deep fear remaining with in me about people judging me for my past. I realize that I'm over it and other people aren't necessarily over it. Or maybe that's the impression that I got from it. Regardless, it still hurts. In the past, I haven't been the most loyal of people,I'm trying to fix my reputation and work through my problems. But sometimes this stuff really gets to me.

I keep comparing myself with Trina. She's fun to hang out with, but she's just a little psycho. I never want to be anything like her! She hurts people and uses them. I try to stay away from all stuff like that. I don't want to hurt people, but there are some habits that I have that I need to change.

Like learning to trust people. I need to trust people to do the right thing and do it right, unless they demonstrate that they can't. I'm afraid of hurting this new guy, because I really like him. But I don't feel like I hurt Ryan, maybe in a few things that were fucked up. But I've learned from those decisions and I will never make them again. I think that with Ryan, I should have been more of my own person solving my own problems than allowing him to make decisions for me. But also, I think I should've realized that he was too nice to begin with. But I know those mistakes and I'm not going to make them with any one else.

There are several things that I need to change about myself:

1. The things that I tell myself. I'm constantly telling myself negative things about me that I PERCEIVE others to think about me. Like, "She is too nice. She is too mean." Its a pendulum swinging back and forth, over and over. I have to get off this emotional ride because its going to destroy me in the end. I need to figure out what kind of person that I want to be, what kind of characteristics I like in order that I am comfortable with who I am. I am not going to get anywhere by letting others tell me who I need to be.

2. I need to trust more. If I look at someone and they have demonstrated that they are a good person, especially that they have my back, then I need to trust them. I need to take these walls down and unfortify my heart. I need to not only trust someone, but share parts of myself in order to get closer to that person. Someone once told me that the more that you trust yourself, the easier it will be to trust other people. I think that as I learn to pick out qualities that I don't like I will be much better off with my life. Come to think of it, the times that I have done something stupid when I was drunk, were all the times that I was trying to impress people. Most of the time people that I don't like.

3. I need to start making self-improvement decisions for me, not for anyone else, not kids, not men, or other people. I just need to do this because its better for me! I think that once get to a point where I'm making good decisions and am consistent at it, then I'll be fine. To do this because its what I want!




How I need to change my actions things that i tell myself

Keeping your balance.

I had a pretty good balance going in my life for a while, especially after Ryan and I broke up. I was working out, doing my job, doing really well over all. But then I put on a different shift and made some new friends that totally threw my world out of balance. I was scared because I like my balance, I liked what I had going on and I didn't know how to deal with this new thing going on.

The balance off throw helped me to understand what Ketut meant when he told Liz in "Eat, Pray, Love:" "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." So, I'm definitely not in love, but I've come upon some new issues that I'm having to adjust to. Like, adjusting to a social group and being vulnerable to people and opening up. 


So, my balance is off, but I think sometimes its a good thing because you learn how to adapt in different situations.

When you think that you know everything, think again!

In my last post, I admitted that I knew absolutely nothing. I was completely clueless in today's environment, what ever it was. I had thought that I knew everything, but the reality is that I know absolutely nothing... Ok, maybe nothing, just not as much as I could to be efficient.

Anyway, I am thinking that I just need to relax A LOT! I just need to go with the flow of whatever environment I'm in and not expect it to go a certain way, unless obviously someone's getting obnoxious or whatever, but I don't think that most people are like that.

There's always room for improvement and today was a bad day. So tomorrow I can go to work and be good. No expectations or anything. No neediness.

Another thing too, I should just start going with people when they are going places. Like Leab always says that he's doing something, but I never invite myself. I just sit around and wait to be invited, maybe I just need to ask to go.

Shitty day? I'll take one.

Today was a pretty shitty day. I felt like no matter what I said, I couldn't get it out confidently or right. I felt so small and so retarded. I felt really awkward. On the way home I realized: I have no idea what the hell I'm doing today.

I just wanted to talk to people, be social, friendly, nice. But it felt like, no matter how much I talked, no one wanted to talk, or there was only short clipped answers. My confidence was gone as shit and I really didn't know what to say. I don't even know how it started! UGH!

Maybe it's had something to do with all this new stuff going on. I had to check in some new stuff that I thought I knew how to do it, but this guy was like, "They've never done it this way before." Even though I knew that I was right, I just let this guy tell me that I was wrong. Which is stupid because I've been trained on this stuff and yet, I always let other people tell me how its done. Really?

I think I was just in a really social mood to talk to people, but no one seemed to be in a talking mood. Or maybe I came off as sad... which is what one guy mentioned that I should stop being depressed. But I just feel like shit. I have no idea whats wrong with me.

Maybe its what I'm telling myself: I'm too awkward, I'm too quiet, I don't do well in big groups, I'm too nice, to sweet, etc. Ugh! Maybe all these messages have killed my confidence, because, when I think about going in the opposite direction: being  loud and obnoxious and angry, and perverted, I just get scared because those are not something that I want to be anyway. I think that I really am too needy. I mean, I get scared of being thought of as too nice or too sweet because I'm scared that people will take advantage of me or that I'll not get invited out. I'm afraid that I'll be left alone for being too nice. That is my biggest fear.

But maybe there was another element in the mix of things way back when that people didn't like: my lack of confidence. Maybe its not those qualities of being nice that people didn't like; it was the clinginess, the self loathing, the crying, all those horrible things that I used to do when I was out. Maybe at this point I need to just be happy with who I am and be confident in it.

I think I also need to stop worrying when people don't respond the way that I want. Listening laidbackedly, but still do those things that make you appear confident: like leaning forward or cocking your head to one side. I just need to stop worrying about who other people say that I am, and know who I really am.

I think too that I was worried about the girls and that I might have to act like them. I don't really like to act crazy and wild. Its in there. Every now and then I want to act hoish, but for the most part, I just want to live my life. I'm at the point where I just want to ... I have no idea what I want. I used to think that and now... I don't know anymore. 

So *deep breath* everything's going to be ok. Everything's going to be fine. Just keep being me, but without sacrificing myself or making other people make me happy.

Let the men handle it!

While my dying inner feminist rages at the idea of what I'm about to describe, the theory really holds water. Last night, I went to a club and one of the guys asked me to dance. While we were dancing, one of my friends cut in. At first I was wondering what was going on, but later I figured it out. One of her friends liked him. Oops. I didn't know. But I did tell her that I didn't necessarily like him enough to know him, but if he wanted to pursue something I wouldn't be opposed to it. But I also have to think of my life on a grander scale. I don't want any drama or problems while I'm down here.

But after we got back, we talked for a little while, and he said something that got me to thinking. When my friend cut in, he said that she liked to lead; it isn't supposed to be that way. One attractive quality because I like conservative men. However, I got to thinking about the way a lot of women are (how I have been in the past) and how nature really is.

In nature, the female never pursues the male; the males always have to offer the female something in order to mate with them. In birds, some are vibrantly colored, and some build impressive bowers. In mammals, males always fight for the right to mate with a female. It is her choice to mate with him if she wants. But he has to earn it. One other thing that I found impressive was that in eagles, the female make a male fly around with her and then she drops a stick and if he can catch the stick and bring it back to her, he's got her.

So, while I'm not an advocate of domination of one extreme or the other in relationships, I do believe that in courtship, men are naturally supposed to pursue the female. And logically it makes sense. Women can realistically only produce so many children. Men on the other hand can produce multiple children. So, if a male wants to "get in" a female and produce one a few of her possible children, he needs to show that he has something to bring to the table. Its his responsibility to show her that he's worth his salt.

And maybe that's why so many men dislike women who sleep around, at least among conservatives. It throws off the natural balance of life. And maybe that's why I felt like shit for so long because I was giving up something to guys who hadn't proved anything. And, I needed more of a commitment than just one night.

I'm glad that I get to work and be a free woman. I'm also glad that I'm protected by law from abuse and rape, etc. But I think that some people take feminism too far.

So, anyway, I say let the men handle it! I like sitting back and relaxing; not having to worry about stuff and being able to just chill.

Something new!

A few days ago, one of the ground girls had to go home on emergency leave and I took over her job. I won't be a flying for a while, but its a nice change of scenery. But something awesome happened. I feel like I'm more social with alot of people. Its ironic because in the last few days there's been a few people say, "I want to be officers because I get along a lot better with officers." I have thinking about this myself for a while now, but I didn't think of it that way, simply, "I hope it doesn't come off as me trying to fraternize or being buddy buddy with the higher ups!"


But I've had someone tell me that I would make a great officer, I just need to get there. I need to get a plan to start my commission, which means that I need to work on my career as much as possible. SMS Palmer is helping me with that by letting me do this ground work and I'm beginning to understand the big picture of how this aircraft works.

I'm really impressed though by how I've been. I used to think that I was boring or lame because I wasn't funny or exciting or bitchy, but I think that now, I'm just comfortable being me. I like me. I  like chilling with me. I like who I am; sometimes it may feel a little awkward being quiet, but I really think that in the long run, people just want people who are good.

I want to be a good person, not just on pretense, but no strings attached and it makes me feel good. Additionally, I like being nice and sociable. I often look back and wonder about who I used to be in the past. A lesson that I've learned and take with me to heart is that I don't need certain types of people in my life: those who criticize me, those who belittle me, or those who don't take interest in my needs. When I was with Ryan I would get so mad at him for calling me out on all my flaws, to the point where I would even act stupid just because I was so mad. I don't ever want to do that again.

I don't want to be with someone who is like him. I would rather be single and alone, but happy like I am now, than with someone who makes me miserable. I'm not waiting for anyone anymore. I'm making my own decisions and if a guy can put me and a relationship before him and make those his priorities, fine. But I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting to make a date about my future. I've wasted too much time already. 5 months in a bad relationship is way too long in the first place. That's way too much time that I've wasted. Time that I can never get back.

But rather than look at him as my ex, I do look at him as a role model because he was very smart in his work and social skills. And while I might not love him, I can't deny that he is a great example to follow. The positive side to our breakup is that there's an abundance of information that I can take from it, not only from what kind of person that I don't want, but what kind of person I want to be. There's alot of good stuff there. I know that its going to work out really well in the end... because it already is.

One more thing!

I forgot to mention: I'm taking a new turn in my life education: I'm not relying on books for a while. I spend a lot of time reading how to do something or how to act publicly but very rarely do I ever try to apply it to common sense. So, in the next month, I'm not picking up a book at all (minus texts from work that will help me with my job), but I need to get some life experience, even out of mistakes. I'm going to start relying on my own instincts and judgments to determine what I need to do.

Another day

I wrote yesterday about how I had called my biological father about his cancer; that in combination of talking to my parents (who are adopted, but closer than my other kin) about their friends adopted daughter got me to thinking. Johna, the daughter, is ten years old, but very badly behaved and her mother lets her get away with a lot. My parents, who are also her neighbors, finally put their foot down about Johna's behavior and were telling me some of the awful things that she does. I know that its hard for a single woman to raise a child alone, especially who has a problem disciplining. It reminded me of my mom and how she never liked to discipline me because of her mother's abuse, almost paralyzed her at the thought of disciplining me. Therefore, I was badly behaved kid.

I never understood why my dad never wanted to see me or why he would take me home earlier than planned, but then, after multiple rejections and hard knocks about my bad behavior (which has embarrassingly followed me into my adulthood), I have put together that... maybe my dad didn't know how to deal with me. That it was easier to avoid the situation than discipline me.

After talking to my parents last night, my mom (adopted) told me also that she didn't really like my ex because he tried to convince me that I wanted things that I didn't, which made sense. Like I want to live outside the U.S. and he didn't. But there was something more obvious that I couldn't see through the trees. It was the fact that he was letting me solve my problems on my own. When I told him how I felt about moving to Minnesota, that I needed to be married in order to move up there, his answer was simple: we'll talk about it and see how it is when you get back.

Now, this should have pissed me off... which I think that it did, but I just decided to go along with what he said. But the more that I thought about it, the more angry I got. And it blew up in my face. One day his friend told me something about him looking into his different options for a job, something I hadn't heard about so  I got suspicious. The next thing I know, we're having a fight about how I was pressing his friend for information. I also addressed this in a totally wrong way. All this could have been avoided if I was just honest with myself: He's not that concerned about me or the relationship.

There are several key points to this story: 1. I should've broke up with him when he decided that he didn't want to deal with and resolve the relationship right there. Instead, I just let him get away with it; I let him neglect my needs. 2. I was so worried about being left out of his plans or something changing that I freaked out. This could have been avoided if I'd just said, "Ryan, you're not looking out for me or the relationship, you're just looking out for yourself." I have always had a problem being honest with myself, but I see where its getting my in trouble and effecting my life negatively.

I've also been thinking about how these actions may have affected my interactions with other people when I first got here. Like making me way too clingy on my roommate. Lessons learned: I need make sure that a man has the best in mind for the relationship at all times. Even if we've been in it for a year, if he starts to put himself first, then I'll try a two times to get him back on track. Third strike, I'm out.

I feel like I'm being sewn into all these new ideas that I'm coming up with. Before I just read a book and it was good advice but I never really applied it. But now, I feel like I'm sewing my new standards to me. They're becoming part of my life, part of my heart and even my soul. My whole being reflects this new person that is coming out within me and I love it. It doesn't mean that I'm perfect or that I will be, but I do like living my life from day to day, no stress just taking it easy.

And its also nice to be able examine myself and be honest. I've never had that kind of level of intimacy with myself, let alone other people, but I feel that the more intimate that I become with myself, the more that I can let people know who I am. I can see myself blossoming and I like being around other people. I like being nice and my confidence is totally soaring. Its amazing!

One last thought. I read a chapter on managing controls. I didn't think that applied to me until I got to the part about comparing performance to standards. I realized that I've been worried about having standards and possibly violating them if other people get mad at me or plead with me not to punish them. But I found something else besides people to guide my behavior: standards. For example, there is a clearly a standard at work for how to conduct yourself. If someone's not living up to them, that's fail, not mine. But there are other things to take into consideration, like circumstance, etc. Additionally, my own standards are there to guide my life. Other people's thoughts are not there to do that.

Dear Daddy

I found out about a week before father's day that my biological father has cancer. I didn't call him, instead I called my Aunt Carolyn to find out what was going on. I didn't know this, but I found out that my aunt has always been on my side, and I think that his girlfriend has too. My aunt mentioned how my dad's lack of interest in me confound them both, but that they keep quiet because it causes problems. Anyway, she explained that he had stage 3 cancer and that he was beginning chemo. She also mentioned that she would tell him that I called to check up on him.

So I called back today to find out how he was doing. Apparently he's begun treatment and is doing fine. Then she gave me his number and said to call him. So I called his girlfriend's cell phone and talked to him. It was strange because he cared about talking to me, because, in the past he's hung up on me or gone off on me. He was pretty calm and asked how I was doing, made sure that what I was doing wasn't dangerous. Then he said that he hadn't heard from me in a while...And it made me wonder, am I supposed to call him every now and then to check in? Is it my responsibility to maintain a relationship? FYI, this is the man who never showed up at my high school graduation, hung up on me in fact when I invited him, had never made any effort to be a father.

I also considered if maybe my mom, who has told me so many stories about my dad, was actually one of those psycho mothers who lies to their kids to make them hate their dads. It wouldn't surprise me. But there's only one way to find out. I'm not the kind person to just sit back and idly let things slip from my grasp; this being one of them.

The mystery of my dad is the biggest mystery of my life. While I love Don Preston as a father (I honestly believe that he loves me more than any man on Earth ever has), I still need questions about my genetic father answered. What characteristics do I have? My mother's often told me that I do some things to remind her of him. What is my family like? Where do I come from? Its like a part of me is unknown because my mother's side is the only thing that I've known. I know the good and the bad, but still I want to know my father's side better.

So, I think that I'll call my dad once a month, maybe on his birthday (side note, I'm going to start talking confidently with him, in general in fact). Then in a year, if he's up to it, I'll go visit. I need to get down to the mystery of who this man is because I need to know who I am. Or at least understand him so that I can make a lot of things make sense.

I want to conclude with kudos to my Aunt Carolyn for standing up for me. I never really knew that people could have my back, that it was worth having. So thank you Aunt Carolyn for loving me!

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

This is my motto for the day! Well, it has been for a while. I've been noticing how I don't understand things until after the fact... sometimes much later.

I don't think this is really a bad thing, but I really need to learn to catch up and learn faster.

Being Single

I find it so ironic that, when I talk to a married couple, they love each other dearly, but there's always a warning when they say, "Live your life while your single." I understand that! I've seen that for years, but it also makes me shiver at the idea of marriage.


I'm at the point where I wonder if its even what I want. Do I want to deal with all these issues with relationships? Do I want to be tied down? Do I want to be elbows deep in baby poo while my husband sits and watches football? Uh, not really. There's so many things that I could be doing instead, like seeing the world or working on my career. I used to think this sounds lonely, because you can't cuddle up with a career on a cold night, but its also hard to live in the same house with someone that you don't love.

However, choosing eternal singleness is trading one set of problems for another. For example, being eternally single has its issues, but so does marriage. At least with being single I don't have to worry about legal issues, financial issues, etc. I can just up and go as I please. That really sounds like the best option to me. No one but God and myself to be accountable to.

Even my parents, who love each other, still urge me to continue to live my life and wait for the right guy. In their own voices I hear something that I can't quite put into words, but it resembles a haunting tone of regret, like there was something about their marriage that was maybe too soon or not satisfying. I'm not sure, but the haunting tone is there.

And marriage has never appealed to me anyhow. Sure I used to think about falling in love, but it was really more of the initial phases, and I would play with my Barbies about falling in love, but very rarely was marriage involved. I might've had a few weddings in my childhood escapades, but it was usually rushed so that I could get to the good stuff, like the adventure, him saving her, etc. But that was just childhood escapades. There was no abuse, name calling, mean words, arguing, one person giving up everything for the other, control freakish husbands who's wives had to get on blood pressure medication just to survive!

I don't know how this relationship thing with me will pan out, but I'm at a point where I can either take it or leave it, depending on the circumstances and the guy. I really like being single; its calm, its nice, its less stress, I'm my own boss. Its a lot better than being in a relationship.

I wish my life were like a movie!

I've often caught myself saying, "I wish my life were like a movie." Well, funny thing is that it now feels like one! But not the mushy love story, but the girl one where she goes through a bad breakup and then suddenly comes to find herself. Like Elle on "Legally Blond" when she changed her entire life to be near her boyfriend so he would realize how much he loved her, except in the end, she realized that he didn't love her and that she actually could rock her ass off at her job.

I feel like that's me right now. While I don't want my life to seem like a "Soul Searching moving" (God knows I've done that enough) I am realizing my potential outside of a mate. I have been making up fantasies while I'm half asleep and sometimes when I'm alone where I day dream that maybe I'll get pregnant or he really just needed a break from everything but eventually he will realize that he loves me... But I don't think that's how it works. That's not how men are and definitely not how I want my life to play out.

Laying out on the beach today I felt my heart cry out to him. Deep down longing, need, hurt. I just wanted him next to me. Even though its been a month since we broke up and I haven't really talked to him, it still hurts that things happened the way they did. But hindsight is 20/20 right? Still it doesn't take away the longing. Those fantasies originate within the same place in my heart as that longing...maybe the longing is the start.

I don't think these are very efficient ways of dealing with those feelings though. It comes from when I was a kid and how I had no control over my circumstances. So whenever I experienced something I didn't like, I would daydream about it to get it the way I wanted it... at least in my mind. I always new that reality was quite different. But still, reality is a terrible thing sometimes, but what can you do?

I'm finally letting myself feel these feelings. Its hard because the amount of realization that kicks in when you've been holding back for so long can be staggering. The rush of emotions that come out with it, anger, embarrassment, humility, sadness, all sorts of emotions that I had no idea I had buried behind walls of denial. I have to take these walls down slowly, one at a time, or else I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

And now that I'm dealing with my "Man Problems" I'm much more level headed. I'm thinking clearly enough to make wise decisions, turn away from unsafe places and people, just living my life happily. But I'm also taking care of myself and I think that my relationship with myself is improving because I'm not trying to care for other people, I'm taking care of my needs and listening to my own inner voice. I am trusting and respecting myself so much more.

I'm taking a year off from dating, but more specifically getting emotionally involved with other guys, other than friendship. I've spent so long jumping from one guy to another, one infatuation to another, one emotional high then disconnection since I was 18, if I wasn't dating a guy I was wanting one or chasing after one or trying to figure out how to get one. So at this point, I'm moving on. I can no longer put myself through this. Its time to just kick back and deal with Alisha. I remember I used to get so frustrated even with myself, I felt like I was wrestling myself, but now, I feel at peace with my most of the time. And when I don't, its usually just a small thing that I easily work out.

I've figured out today why it is so easier to stay in a bad relationship than to leave. Its because when you have set your life up a certain way, leaving that life for the unknown is, especially if you don't have the resources to survive outside the relationship, is so much scarier. But don't long for the past. I mention dumb quotes alot, but they are true: Your attitude determines your altitude. I figured out that often times I have two ways to view a situation, which can ultimately make or break me (in essence, you are literally choosing your attitude). I can look at this as an intimidating, scary thing that I might not survive and just withdraw and destroy everything that I'm working for OR I can view it as an opportunity to really rock out with my socks out at my job. I can do great things in my life, or I can let this get me down. I'm choosing to take time off to deal with it, move on and do better.

But the reason that I'm taking a year off (maybe more) is because I'm 100 percent sure that even though I'm making the decision to move on, there are going to be moments where I get emotional or mad or sad and I need to deal with it. But its not just Ryan that I need to deal with and lay to rest, its everything that I've done. All the relationships that have left emotional scars on me that I haven't dealt with because I was always moving on from one man to the other, or even friends I guess. Trying to meet new people who would never notice my insecurities or my flaws, but as soon as they did, I would drop them like a hot potato to find other people until they noticed my flaws and then on again to the next person.


But I don't want to do that anymore. I really just want a stable environment for myself. I really just want to be happy with friends and family. No more going from person to person, place to place.  I'm getting my shit straight.

Life is what you make it.

Marriage as the most basic unit is also the most stressful and vulnerable position humans can be in. I want to think that in my grandparents' day, it was somehow easier, somehow clearer cut, but it was just as confusing then as it is today.... except I think that people talk about it more today and there is actually help available.

Its ironic because as I grow older I begin to understand my grampa's words about courting my grandmother, and while I had thought that I would be in my gramma's position of being courted, I'm realizing that I will have to play a dual role. My grampa said that he courted my gramma to see if she would make a good wife, liked the same things as him, and made sure that they were compatible. But my gramma seemed like she had a passive role. She waited for him to call on her and she prayed that she would make a good wife to him. I have to do both of these myself. I have to make sure that a guy is what I want and am compatible with, while waiting for him to make the effort for him to pursue me.

I used to think that marriage was horrible for a woman and that we sacrificed so much for unthankful husbands and kids. But I think that its not just women that have a problem with marriage, its also men. Once I thought about it further, I realized that any institution like marriage that requires giving of oneself is stressful for all involved, not just one party. While it may see to me, a woman, that other women are miserable, especially when I've watched the stories of my aunt, mom and sister unfold, in their marriages, my guy friends tell me equally miserable stories of marriages. But I guess I never thought about if their husbands were happy in their marriages.

This is similar to my job in the military, being away so much requires a lot of adjustment and self-sacrifice, just having a boyfriend for two months of the deployment was difficult enough! But I have come to realize that instead of bearing children as my contribution to society, I am serving my country, which is just as stressful as raising children (thank God I'm not doing them together). I have no intention of being in a relationship soon, I guess that this is an acceptable trade off of motherhood. At least I have options, a career, and income.

While this may sound scary to some women, the thought of being tied down scares me. I've always seen those girls that get married early or have kids and I have lived my life opposite of that because being elbow deep in diaper and carrying around crying kids really bothered me. But I'm convinced now that if I were to get pregnant, I could be a good mother. I would do right by my kids and make the most of my life.

And that really is all life is. Making the most of what you have. I question and fret over mistakes that I've made, but I realize now that, while I can't get those years back, I can try to understand them and not repeat them. Additionally, I can live my life from day to day as much as possible, and try to give back some of what I've taken. I'm making my life better than before. Never again is my motto in life. My banner to keep me from repeating the past.

Aquamarines

I heard a quote I like. In comparing the good and bad aquamarines with good and qualities of relationships: "Because the good stuff is always going to be there [people always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other's personalities], and always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."

I really liked this. Because often we focus on the good qualities and how we love people so much that we often blow over the bad qualities; however, I've made a complete list of all my deal breakers:


A man who doesn't share my values, to include religion, politics and life. Don't date anyone who's not Protestant, and exclude the following: Catholics, Mormons, and people of strange, cultic denominations.

Don't date a man that a man that doesn't share my sexual values.

A man with no ambitions for his life, especially who 1. isn't working on a degree, 2. career path, 3. a car, 4. a job, 5. is not in a stable part of their life,or  6. not ready for a committed relationship.

Isn't willing to wait until marriage to have sex.

Is an alcoholic.

Is jaded from past relationships or refuses to ever get married or have kids.

Is not affectionate or acknowledges me in public.

Thinks that the world is out to get him.

Parties.

Has a girlfriend/talks about his exes/hasn't been out of a relationship for more than six months.

Has been cheated on.

These are the things that I'm going to be on the lookout for! Things that I can't change and can't deal with. This is part of the humility thing that I've mentioned before, meaning that I have a respect for the things that are bigger than me, that I can't change! Things that I can't waste anymore time on!

Dragging Mufflers, Hard Questions, and Facing Reality.

 I heard a story about a man who was driving through a national park with his car muffler dragging. Its sparks against the asphalt caused many fires throughout the park. Even though other people were honking to alert him, he just cruised along listening to his music.When he finally got out and looked around, he was shocked by the fire that he had left in his wake.

I feel like that's me with my life. I'm looking back at all the scorched landscape like, "I did that?" Hurting people, hurting myself, messing up situations, etc. Made a mess of my career. And while I'm trying to fix it now, I feel like I have my work cut out for me. Ugh! But I guess that its part of life again, just take these lessons and apply them and move on. They're tools that I hold onto to bridge the gap between my old self and my future. They're skills in my tool kit in case that I need them. Its intimidating, but step-by-step I can make it.

Coming from this I've had to face who I was. Face the embarrassing behavior, people knowing personal stuff about me that I didn't want anyone to know, dealing with a pendulum of emotions, all sorts of things. But now I'm in a better place. I'm becoming ok with being me, being by myself, not having to be around 1000 people to feel ok about me.

But sometimes I do get scared that I could very easily go back to that lifestyle. I know its in there, part of that dysfunction is. But I had to make myself a promise for me, not for anyone else! I promise me that I'll never hurt myself again. Even though I wonder if I could go back to that life, it scares the hell out of me. Liz Gilbert said that she knew who she was: a divorced woman that had a knack for overromantacizing things. I just have to accept the fact that I am a recovered sex addict with a tendency for alcoholism and attitude. I know that its in there, but I manage it and have control of it so that I can live a normal life without hurting other people.

In reading this book, I realized that often times my own dysfunctional behaviors came when I tried to control things out of my control. Like other people and laws of nature. I was such a fool to try to change it. Perhaps my own destructive behaviors were my own reactions of outrage at my own foolish behaviors.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab when I realized that alot of people were there for addictions to control feelings that had to do things beyond their control. I like these shows because, event though I'm beyond that part of my life, it still helps me to make sense of the things that happened. I can see myself in some people and also my mother and the things that she did to help me understand what was going on. It still doesn't mean that what she did was ok or that it didn't hurt or maybe that it will ever go away. But what it does mean is that she had her reasons for doing it.

But how do you react when a parent does something and violates that deepest bond? Well, you forgive them, but you remember that they are who they are and you keep that boundary. Don't let them treat you like shit and move forward. The intimacy that was lost may not return, but I can't pursue something that I don't think I'll get back. A relationship is a two way street!

A quote from one of the celebrities was "So much of what you hold on to doesn't mean anything in the present moment." Which I find to be true. I hold on to my past and I worry that people will hate me and it will affect my future. That I will somehow never have friends and that no one will like me. Its time to move forward though. I'm learning some great skills, that all things aren't what I thought they were and I'll  be doing good soon. I'm learning I'm growing, I just need to get out and put these skills to the test. After this month, I'm coming out!

Comfort in Misery

Over the last weeks I've talked to many people who opened up to me about their relationships. One common theme is that most people are miserable, yet they continue to live that way with some hope that it will eventually work out. This opens up a whole can of worms that would take a while to discuss; however, it illustrates a good point: some people are more comfortable in their misery than simply moving on.

This is true of my past relationships, specifically the last one. I was miserable for the last two-thirds of the relationship, yet I chose to stay in it. For what?  The hope that it would somehow get better. And a lot of couples get stuck in this rut, hoping that one day something will automatically change and *poof* they will be happy. However, I don't think that's ever the case.

If two people are living in misery, nothing changes until one makes a decision to change it. I think that both have to be willing to change it for this to work. Because, lets face it, relationships can't work one sided. Its far better to leave the relationship, even 15 years into it than to live a lifetime of misery. You have to have a partner who is receptive to your needs and willing to accommodate them, within reason of course.

I think also that each partner is responsible for keeping up an attractive appearance, but also romancing the other partner. While I understand that the rush of emotions and hormones that was felt at the beginning of the relationship will soon subside, its necessary to keep love alive by doing things like date nights, vacations, salsa dancing, etc. I never want to lose my love of life because my partner has become a fat alcoholic who can barely breath and snores loudly. So I think that its each partner's job to not lose their attractiveness to each other.

Today I was reading in my Management book (love this class, BTW) about negotiation skills. And I realized that the same rules apply in relationships. There are three common mistakes made in negotiation:

1. Enter with a resistance point in mind. This refers to a business deal; its better to walk away than concede to something that you may not want or need. This can be true in relationships. Its better to have "deal breakers" (as one relationship book I read called it) that, when when these acts are committed, force you to walk away because that person displays behavior that is unacceptable to your life.

I assume that for relationship purposes I could call them boundaries that once violated are a turning point from that person. Just like with war, never go to without your rifle; never go into a relationship without your "deal breakers," boundaries, standards, etc. And love is a battlefield as Pat Benetar said!

2. Avoid becoming fixated on one particular issue. Aka don't get hung up on infatuation with the person that you're with. I'm sure that there are people out there who become infatuated with someone and eventually it evolves into a true love that lasts 50 years, but I don't think that most people are capable of that kind of relationship. I have to respect that there are forces stronger than me, hormonal, biological, natural, spiritual, etc that can make me become infatuated with someone when they are all kinds of wrong for me. That doesn't mean that I am not accountable for my decisions should become infatuated with a married man or a supervisor; however, it does mean that I am human and subject to certain temptations, but I have to live my life on the "straight and narrow" of right and wrong, knowing whats acceptable and whats not. It is actually humbling to know that, while I am still susceptible to wrong decisions, I am able to turn away from evil.

But by becoming infatuated with this person and not looking at them through the big picture, such as do their plans fit mine, are they the kind of person that I want to be with, are they taking my needs into consideration, are they versatile, am I the kind of woman that they need, I believe that one person is wholly making a mistake in life that will reap only pain and misery in the end.

3. The perhaps most important one to consider is: Do not assume that the other party has all the power due to greater levels of experience. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! (Yes, there was a gravel slam every time) I am so guilty of doing this. Giving up my power in a relationship assuming that because he had more life experience (Jay), was a Staff Sargent (Ryan, Bobby), had lots of friends (countless many), played football (Clarke), etc, he was somehow superior to me and to my experience. Yes, I did assume that my ex, Clarke, somehow knew all the answers to life. I know, I know, I know. Dumb as shit, right? But in my defense, I was 18.

Quote: "If you assume that you are powerless in a negotiation, there is a good chance that you will act as if that assumption were true. You will be less apt to reach your goals. In truth, each party to a negotiation has some power--otherwise the negotiation would not take place. People negotiate because each party perceives that its counterpart controls something that it wasnts in an exchange. By being aware of both your interests and those of the other party, you can negotiate more confidently and increase your chances of reaching a satisfying settlement."

So I gave up all my power because I assumed that I had nothing to negotiate: no needs to be met, no intelligence to make decisions, nothing beneficial to give. Or if I did have something to offer, I thought that it wasn't very critical. I felt like the man was supposed to make me into something that I wasn't. I gave my mind over for him to make me into the person that I thought I needed to be... because I wasn't good enough. But I realized that even though I turn myself over for reinvention, the same person always comes back.

So from now on, I'm not assuming I'm powerless because I'm really not. I have money, a job, soon I'll have a place and my own furniture. I really don't need a man except for companionship. I liked the way that Liz put it. She didn't need a man for even sex or procreation because, in a free, technological society of vibrators, male prostitutes, single parents, and sperm donors, who needs any of that stuff anyway. Its solely for companionship that any modern woman would need a man. So, that's my power; and I need a man who can accept it. I have a feeling that I'll be single for a very long time since I'm 1. in the military with conservative, redblooded American boys, 2. in Oklahoma with the same type of male and 3. just too busy to fool with it.

But the reality is that I have things to bring to the table and the power to negotiate terms of the agreement. No longer do I have to worry about a man making these decisions for me, such as dowry, arranged marriage, and children. I can walk away from the table any time that I think that the companion isn't what I need them to be, anytime he isn't putting in his share of the work, which ultimately I guess is what a union would be. Two people putting their resources, physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental together to raise children in stability, be role models for the community, and live a good life together. Life is too good to live alone. And I feel that I somehow need to offer penance to all of the feminist role models before me, such as Eleanor Roosevelt and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, for my stupidity in the past, ignoring my power or using the wrong power to manipulate males.

Let's be honest, in the past I have used sex a tool to get what I wanted, even if for a short amount of time. I really just wanted love, to use the guys to get it, and then moved on. But that's not what I want anymore. I want someone who willingly gives, not that I have to manipulate or do back flips to get what I need. That too may take a while to find.

But if a guy's into a girl, he'll pursue her right? I don't want to deprive a guy of his natural instinct to pursue me, and he must "perceive that [I] control something that [he] wants in an exchange. By being aware of both of [our] interests, [I] can negotiate more confidently and increase [my] chances of reaching a satisfying settlement."

How does all this tie together? I've jumped through so many subjects. First, the point is that if a guy likes me, he obviously thinks I have something he wants, such as vagina, certain womanly skills, a relationship ability,etc. If I like him back, then I think he has something that I want. We talk about it, but if his wants (whether he makes clear through words or actions) are not what I want: a relationship, future, etc, then its a deal breaker. This is where point 1 comes into play. If he cannot meet my resistance point, I will walk away. Additionally, if I stay focused on whether or not he likes me, I lose track of the fact that he doesn't call or he only calls late at night or he cancels plans or whatever. So I focus on the whole thing. The Management book suggested moving on and settling other issues; while I did have a hard time figuring out how this applied, I thought of the maintenance guy and how I figured that he would make a good friend. So, maybe that's settling the issue of "lets just be friends."

And how does comfort in misery apply? Well, as I was reading all these concepts and thinking them through, I suddenly got scared. When I realized: this is sound advice, but it would never work for me. Why? I asked myself. I have all this knowledge at my fingertips! And knowledge is power! Why would I change? Why wouldn't I get up and move forward! Because, I told myself, it's easier to stay where I'm comfortable, even if it is in misery. But I think that I stopped buying that bullshit excuse: it'll never work for me, because I realized: I've been living in the same cycle of bad habits for so long. Its like a plumbing system that runs from your toilet (where you shit) and then runs through your kitchen faucet (drinking water) and then drains into pipes that run back to your toilet. Its an endless dirty cycle that makes me sick and doesn't bring any progress for my life.

There's a point where you can't stand your behavior anymore and throw your hands up in frustration! Today was that day!

Marriage: Take it Seriously

I have been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. She's got some really good points about marriage; random points that have passed through my mind but I never connected the dots until she did it for me. I knew that marriage can be unhappy, people can change their minds over time about their spouse and their love for them, and that being in an unhappy marriage can be hell! However, she put it into a new light that clicked alot of things for me.

Marriage has changed so much over the centuries, evolving from arranged marriages for political reasons, family wealth, alliances, etc. to marriage as an expression of who you are. Basically, when you take religion, government, and society out of marriage, what do you have? When you look at history, where marriage was once about protection and expanding family and kin, then evolved into what it is today, where do you go? What is marriage? Is it necessary anymore? How does it apply to my life?

I really don't need a man for any reason other than companionship... and sex, but I've decided to wait until I'm married before I have sex. Is that even plausible when you take religion out of it all, because most people only wait until marriage for religious reasons? Yes it is. While my decision makes me obedient to God, my exact reason for waiting isn't because of God. Its because I'm done dealing with the heartbreak that comes from all the issues that dating and sex bring.

I'm also beginning to understand the magnitude of the decision to get married. Not only is it a tremendous legal issue, but its falling apart can cause emotional damage beyond knowing, something that I never want to go through. However, I do know how the human heart works, it can be very flaky, very quick to turn. Marriage in itself is like walking into a casino and throwing down your most valuable possession, your heart, and playing roulette after they've turned out the lights.

While I understand that its a gamble, I do believe that there are tools you can have to prepare you for marriage to someone. This last chapter took the fantasy out of marriage, out of relationships. It made me consider the grandness of what I will one day do. How it is not necessarily sacred, but a big decision to not be made so lightly. Its effects can change a life forever.

So what are these tools that I can atleast prepare me for marriage? The first is the freshness of my breakup. The beauty out of breaking up with Ryan is that its fresh in my mind. I'm able to learn from it, unlike when I was younger and resistant (to say the least) to learning from my mistakes. I know the qualities of the guys that I want, what I can't stand and how to control myself. Not one event in my life has changed me so much.

I can better judge a man's character than before. Before I had no self-esteem, and I suppressed that little voice that advised me of what I should do. Now I listen to that voice and I judge people by their actions. Regardless of how good their intentions are, I judge them by their actions because it tells who they are, as Maya Angelou said. I also treasure a man who is sound in his judgment, sound in his goals. Ryan was always jumping around, wanting to do this, this and that. I should've known better. Anyway man who can't make up his mind isn't what I need for my future. More than likely, his feelings for me will change too.

I'm just going to take a moment to say, "I can't fucking believe that I was going to move to a new state with this guy! Get out of the Air Force with the chance that he would leave me! Really!?!? I was a retard! Never again. The only thing that makes this more bearable is the fact that I tell myself never again! Its the only thing that soothes the intense feeling of embarrassment at the whole situation."

Second, I understand the dynamics of the marriage, I take it seriously than I ever thought I would. I understand that its not a fairy tale, but a real deal that causes emotional, financial, legal, and all sorts of horrible ramifications if not properly conducted. Something I never want to go through!

Lastly, I have a healthy concept of myself, of who I am and what I need. I know that I need a man who not only respects me, but fights the same way I do, just lets things cool off before we say anything that may hurt the other. I need a man who is comfortable with me, hearing my opinions and doesn't necessarily agree, but will not argue and tell me I'm wrong. I can't be with the same type of guy as Ryan. I'm just not capable of it.

And in learning who I am, I have also learned my limits. I can't deal with a douche bag. I can't be with someone who wants to fight all the time. I can't deal with a broken heart. There's so much that I can't deal with anymore.

So these are some tools that I'm taking onto the battlefield of love. While hoping that my choice is good and my marriage lasts, I also stand in awe of something much greater than myself and something out of my control. I can't control the human heart or the factors outside of me. I can just do try to make the best of it.

I have all the time in the world to find the right guy, but not enough to waste any on the wrong one!

Religion, Morals, and Choices

I've been thinking, is life without religion absent of morals? I remember when I laid down my religion in college, my life got really out of control, but was it from loss of religion? Or did I tie my morals and boundaries up in my religion that without it, I lost my way? Can you lead a good life without being religious? Who then defines morals?

This question is especially important to me because without religion, who determines certain things like marriage or sex or work ethic, what is right, etc? I asked this question about three or four years ago and my answer was, I determined it myself. I figured out that I could do what I wanted, which sadly turned out to be self-indulgent behavior with no consideration for anything or anyone. But looking back, I wonder: what could I have substituted for religion when it comes to morals?

I tried a lot of things, like society's rules, people's rules, etc. But they all never seemed to add up. The only conclusion that I've come to is to try it out and see what happens. I know certain things do not appeal to me: one night stands, rushed relationships, broken hearts, etc. And its through those things that I make better decisions. So, if I go off my emotional compass and determine what I do and don't like to determine my morals (such as how I treat other people, etc) does that mean that religion becomes void of meaning?

I've also been considering my role as a postmodern woman. I have so many freedoms open to me, more than my sisters before me; however, many women take it to the extreme, brazenly wearing feminism on their sleeve, or sleeping around the office to get where they want to be. I work in a male dominated career field and I've heard on more than one occasion a male say negative things about military females. It used to piss me off, but I hate that attitude, not that person (hard concept to remember).

Now, I'm not going to lie. I sometimes catch myself saying, "All men are douche bags." But that comes from a place of anger, which is legitimate anger as my past boyfriend and father are ... douche bags. But that doesn't mean all men are. For my line of work or any area of my life, I have to remind myself that not all men are evil.

I digress, how does this apply to my postmodern woman role? Simply this: I have been handed a double edged sword. One one hand, I enjoy more freedoms than most women in history. I can leave a marriage any time that I want to, on my own accord, I can buy property without my husband's permission, I can travel the world. I do not need a man to take care of me or manage my life. Diapers and babies are not something I have to worry about. However, with all those choices comes their own issues: how do I manage a career, a family, and my own life without going crazy?

As far as choices for marriage go, I'm taking my time. No more rushing, no more bubble gum boyfriend excitement. I have way to many opportunities before me to waste anymore time on a guy. I'm embarrassed that I'm 24 and I have wasted so much time. But, better late than never. Better late than my mom's age, or Catherine's age. Better now than never.

But I also have to drop my past and stop worrying about it, which is something that I've done. Just drop it and don't worry about it. The right people will come along.

People are retarded

So I've been thinking: I really need to get out more. I used to have this scared attitude of what if  people don't like me.... social phobia. But its not about if someone really likes you. But.... just going out and interacting for interaction with people, not being desperate for it, or NEEDing it but just to talk to interact. I think that I'm perfectly capable of that. I get so nervous around people, and while others say that's not a bad thing, I really need to get out of my shell if I'm going to get anywhere! Additionally, its good just to develop interpersonal skills.

Its not about a popularity contest or being someone's BFF, or saying the right thing so that someone will like you, or saying the right thing so that people will want you for the job. You actions should speak louder than your words. Actions demonstrate what you really believe, etc. However, I do want to be more personable, I just feel like because I fucked some shit up, and pissed some people off, it may not work out. But whatever, it'll be OK.

I just want to be happy and the people that matter will let me know and those who don't can go fuck themselves. Like Sgt Green. He' s a douche, I've come to terms with that. I wondered why, but he's been acting like an ass the entire time I've been here, not sure if its something that I did or if that's just his personality. But its whatever at this point. Just be professional. He could've been pissed because I backed off and wouldn't let him get with me. But whatever, its whatever at this point.

Another thing that I found to be so stupid was Ryan's excuse for deleting me from facebook. He said that there were pictures of me going back to my "old self." My old self of two years ago when I partied and slept around. HOWEVER, when I asked him to turn my keys over to my leadership to watch for me, he flipped out. And said that I couldn't solve my own problems, how was that not solving my own problems. I don't want that stupid piece of shit to have my stuff! So I worked it out with others to get my problem solved. So, fine, whatever he can keep the fucking things. He can keep my stuff and I'll be fine with it.

I can only think of a few reasons that he flipped out:

1. He is legitimately upset that I asked him to give up my keys, that I don't trust him, as he whined. That seems semiplausable.

2. He wants to keep using my TV until I get back from deployment... Fine, whatever.

3. He wants to keep them so that he can give them back to me when I get back to the states. This.... not too sure about because it seems like it may be a "girl fantasy." But I also know that my friend's ex still came back to her after they broke up... multiple times. He kept coming back for that sweet honeypot. And I know that what I gave Ryan was good, so I'm pretty sure that he'll try to come back for it once I'm back. Little does he know that ... its not happening.

If this is the case, the thing that he doesn't realize is that I've been in these situations before. My "past" has taught me that once a man has good pussy its like a drug. He once told me that you need to know yourself and your enemy. Not that he's my enemy, but I do know how the male mind works and UNLESS he's different, I don't know if he would turn it away once I get back. Additionally, I didn't cheat on him, which was the reason that he cut off ties with both of his exes. I don't know if he would cut ties with me once I got back... could he? Maybe, but like I said, this could be a stupid girl notion.

4. The reason and maybe the most plausible is that he just wants to brag about how he was such a great ex by looking out for my car, which is ironic because he was such a piece of shit boyfriend that he didn't look at my car when I was there.

If just makes me so mad when I think about the things that he said to me, like telling me to shut the fuck up, go to hell, fuck off, the anger that he displayed at me. I saw rage in him, some rage that makes me think that he could potentially be abusive. I hate him. I honestly hate him. He is a terrible person and a horrible man. I'm so thankful that God delivered me through this situation. I will never make that same mistake again.

The last thing that I wanted to address is the issue of my mother's mistakes. Its ironic how in trying to avoid my mother's mistakes I made unique ones. For example, I never had kids or married; but I did sleep around, trying to avoid making my mother's mistakes.

Regardless, I think that I need to relook at the mistakes she made so that I don't make those. And I wonder, where did I go wrong?

I think that the mistake I made was swearing off love and hating men, proclaiming that "no man will hurt me" at 15 years of age. I remember making that statement. I developed a tough exterior to all men. I thought that by sleeping around I would somehow develop a numbness and a need to not hurt; however, I just hurt myself more. Broke my heart and cried alittle.


But now looking back, what were my mom's mistakes. She dated men that were emotionally unavailable, put up with a lot of shit (aka cheating, alcoholism, abuse, fighting etc), put men before other people. However, I have done similar things, just without the relationships, minus the cheating. I've dated alcoholics (although I put up with it only for a little bit), I've never been abused, but Ryan did say mean things to me. And fighting... lets not go there.

So, really, I just need to find a good guy. I put all men on a 90 day "friend" trial without getting all emotionally involved. I stop believing in fairy tales where we can just meet and then *poof* we're in love. That's not how the real world works. I give myself time to get to know this person and I am honest with myself about the situation. I trust myself to make these decisions. I don't swing on a pendulum of who likes me and who doesn't. I care about being personable and professional. I do my job to the best of my ability and I believe in myself to be honest and a good person. I am in control of my life. My locus of control is internal, not external. Meaning that I don't need people, things or situations who I am as a person. When I make a mistake, regardless of how hard it is to admit, I will admit it and learn from it. While external factors do not validate me, I can learn from my environment, which is normal in the wild. I will figure out what I need to do and make my decisions accordingly.

I move forward with my life in confidence and I no longer dwell on the past. I am a good person and each day I try to live my life accordingly. I judge people by their character, not their physical characteristics.

PS One last thought, its easy to call a girl a whore or to lump her into a category similar when you have feelings for her but can't handle them. Its easier for Ryan to tell me that my past is the reason that he deleted me when he obviously couldn't handle me talking to other guys on facebook. He's such a fucking tool. I can't believe that I put up with his shit for so long. Never again. Additionally, I'm SO glad that I didn't have a kid with him!

Grudges, Vulnerability, and Expectations

Lately, I've noticed that a few people have deleted me from Facebook. At first it bothered me, then I got to thinking, what do all these people have in common. The first thing that came to mind is that they have a grudges with a group that I belong to. My first roommate always had some sort of drama going on with other girls. Ryan always had a problem with girlfriends. Trina always had a problem getting along with other girls. Catherine, she was always complaining about the religious people and the Republicans. And TSgt Green? He just seems like a tool. His attitude and the people he hangs out with just make him seem like a douche. What downers.

So, anyone who has a problem with a people group that I'm in, such as girlfriend, girl, military girls, etc, I'm moving on. I'm not paying attention. I don't like people that always have something against something of my group. From now on I'm taking care of my own career, my own life, my own whatever. I'm not worrying about other people outside my sphere of responsibility.

Last night my books from Amazon arrived and I started reading them. The first one is a book called, "He's just not that into you." Its really more of a day by day book of quotations, which is really interesting. Yesterday's said, "If a sane guy likes you, he will talk to you. If he's not sane, why would you want him anyway?" The one for today was, " I used to think that other people were the ones who were all mixed up, but I realized that I was the one who was all mixed up."

I think that just doing what I've been doing is the best thing, focusing on my career and not worrying about other people, but I do need to start getting out and applying some of this stuff that I've been learning. Learning without application is useless.

But it does bring up another point that I need to address. I have a hard time being vulnerable to people, being open to people. Sharing that side of me. But the thing that's gay is that I don't really like sharing myself with others. But there are some people who are easy to talk to. I think that those are the ones that I need to share myself with. But I think too, there are people that are good people that I need to look out for to befriend.

Last point. Expectation. I really liked this book so far because the author pretty much described me to a T. This chapter she mentions how when she was younger (25, almost my age) she was very flaky and couldn't be expected to be committed. She didn't even understand the dynamics of a relationship, just that she had put alot of expectations into her husband. Put the expectation for her happiness, her everything into one person and perhaps had put too much expectation on this person.

Another thing that caught my eye was that she said she wants to be a better person, which is definitely something that I need to strive to work for. Honest, loyal, etc. God this stuff seems like alot of work.

Life is pretty boring.

Tonight I was downloading some music such as S&M by Rihanna, Bottoms Up and others. It reminded me of those days when I used to go out, get wasted and go home with someone. Then I think about what my life has resorted to... I'm 24, sober, sitting in my hotel room, and I haven't been laid in 3 months. While I want to go out and be wild and have the time of my life...that can't happen. While I don't have kids or a husband, I do have responsibilities, such as work and a reputation.

In the middle of thinking how boring this is, I realized that there's work to do, school to accomplish. I can't dress like a ho, or act like one. How would that affect how people see me? I'm already trying to rebuild a trashed reputation; I just have to push forward. But I really do want to go out. I want to go dance and bump and grind.

Like that time Kali and I wanted to have sex so bad, but we decided to go to the club instead. We got so smashed and danced all night long. It was the best time ever. I miss those days, of just pure self indulgence. And while I realize that stuff's not realistic, its so FUN!

But now I'm back to my boring life. One day I will get to go out and party, but not now. I just want to go dance to some music and shake it.

Career

I guess someone out there, aka the powers that be, have been reading these blogs about my career. Today, my Senior Master Sargent (SMS) Palmer talked to me about my career. Basically, his idea was that I need to focus on my career, I've been slacking in the past few weeks, but that's mainly because I have had classes that I need to finish up. However, now I'm focusing on my career.

One lesson that I learned today is I need to stop asking questions that I can answer myself. And to not expect to bond with anyone. It felt kind awkward.

I guess I'll be reenlisting and doing the whole instructor thing and Staff Sargent, etc. Funny how life works out the way that you didn't expect it to. Ugh! Oh well, I really just want to go back home and stay for six months. I miss Georgia so bad. But I can't allow myself to dwell on that.

Additionally, I've been thinking about my approach with people. I'm just going to do my own thing; if people want to be friends, fine. However, I'm not going to be extremely social anymore. I'll talk to people and be nice, but I'm going to just chill by myself so that I can get done what I need to.

No more promises, no more being fake, just being honest. Even if its not by words, just going to be 100% honest with people. I'm going to put me first.

Foolishness

I've made a commitment to reading my Proverbs everyday for the next month. Coincidentally, it has 31 chapters and this month has 31 days. So 1 chapter a day works out for me.

King Solomon wrote the book and was considered to be one of the wisest men of his time. I started yesterday and read some today. The two things that he talks about the most is wise and foolish people, watching your mouth and offending people.

I find it ironic reading through it because some of the stuff he talks about used to describe me. For example, being quarrelsome and not listening to reason, me; scandalous behavior and doing wrong, offending people, all these described me in the past. Now I really understand what people were talking about. But why did it take me so long to learn these lessons? When what I was doing didn't really appeal to me? Maybe it was because i thought that it would be appealing to other people. I thought that doing these things would make people like me and in turn make me happy.

But I'm finding a balance in myself as I grow in wisdom and common sense. I'm seeing parts of myself that I new were there just never accepted. For some reason, I shunned those things about me. I suppressed that good part of me and let me bad part take over. But its such a beautiful feeling to know who you are and that you're growing.

This life doesn't come without its problems, in fact, I'm wondering if that's the reason that we're here to begin with. But I know that I wasted so much time when I was younger. I wasted 5 years of my life living foolishly and extravagantly. Like the prodigal daughter. Ugh, never again! Never again will I let myself go like that.

If there's a real change, my actions and my words have to be aligned. I have to live my life as one who believes what they preach. I believe in wisdom so I will live my life by wisdom.

Leadership and New a Move

I've decided to take a new turn in this whole break up issue. Sitting around moping about it isn't going to change my life, its only going to depress me. So, I'm going to move toward the things that lift me up and make me feel alive. What are those things? My management class, possibly making staff, and being an instructor.

I've mentioned before that I've wasted so much time on men, whether its chasing them or trying to make a relationship work. I've also mentioned that I need to get my life straight. Well, I was thinking that it would be when I get back to OKC; however, it starts now. How does it start? What do I need to do? I need to focus on my career, my schooling, etc. Things that make me feel good about myself, not an unhappy relationship.

I keep thinking, "How will my next boyfriend come?" But I think that will work itself out. Mental discipline is something that I'm also learning. Thoughts will cross my mind that I don't want to be there, but instead of trying to change my mind about it, I just keep them from entering my brain, making the mental decision that I will not focus on those thoughts because they bring me down, establish wrong priorities or just aren't healthy. When I do this, its interesting because, somehow, the right priorities enter my mind.

So, that's the new move. Whats leadership got to do with it? Well, I'm thinking a lot about the kind of leader that I want to be. How do I want my airmen and students to see me? How do I want them to act? Well, I've decided what kind of leader I want to be: I want to balance both my bosses' needs with helping my airmen to grow. I want to put others before myself and I want to exemplify my values. I want my actions to add up to my words. I want people to respect me and take me seriously.

I love this management class because its provided me with all sorts of tools to help when I become a leader; its definitely a great thing. Like treating people good, caring for others, knowing that I am not more important than others. Being a servant to everyone.

I can do it, I can put myself aside so that others can grow and live. Still getting the mission done.

Loving someone seriously!

I've mentioned on multiple occasions that I still fantasize and hope that one day, Ryan and I will get back together. But strangely, what is that saying about me if we do? That its ok to treat me like shit? That its ok to do the things that were done.

At first I was pretty hard on myself when I caught myself thinking this, but then I realized that when really love someone, REALLY love someone, how do you go on to be friends? How do you go on to treat them like shit? Isn't it natural to hope that maybe some part of them, deep inside wants to make it work. That maybe somewhere in the horrible world of lies, deceit, and broken hearts there's a chance for something good to come of it?

I'm slowly teaching myself that fantasies don't exist. Fairy tales don't come true and the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Its so hard today to wake up to what the world is, especially the flier world. Divorce and breakups run rampant.... yet the mission goes on.

All I can do is pray. Pray for a good Christian man; there has to be a good one out there somewhere... maybe? I had thought that Ryan was a good man, but I was sorely mistaken. Ugh, the search goes on.

Not good with double standards....

I found out that my ex deleted me from Facebook. And technically I'm supposed to be strong and not care and be all tough. But, it did bother me, just a little bit. So I asked my leadership if they could have my ex drop off my keys and they watch them while I'm gone. When I told him this, he was pissed. When I told him why, he claimed that he didn't want to see me with all these guys in my pictures... He was afraid that the old me was coming back.

Let's be honest, its pretty well known that I slept around; however, for him to think that I'm doing that again is pretty stupid. I can't help but think back to that movie, "Chasing Amy." I loved that movie. But one of the ironic parts is that she slept around and her boyfriend found out about it and suddenly he didn't want to be with her. She said that she found everything she had wanted in him. Not in those other guys and that part of her life was over. She didn't find what she was looking for.

Now, I can't sleep and I am so pissed at him. He always acts like he's the victim. But what can you do? I guess just stand up, brush it off, accept my faults as well as his and move forward. Take some time off; learn about myself... see the world, expand my career. Hell, I don't know. Get orders. Life's too short for this shit.

Denial isn't a river in Egypt!

I've kept this to myself, but before I fall asleep and those hazy moments before I wake up, when I'm unable to guard my thoughts, or they just flow forth, I keep fantasizing about Ryan meeting me when I get off the jet from my deployment and seeing me makes him suddenly fall in love with me, or me being pregnant with his baby and we decide to work it out, or he sees me at a social gathering and can't contain the love he feels. Those thoughts are so 1980's, bored housewife smut novels, I know. I kept wondering why I was thinking about them, oscillating between anger and need for him. But, I looked up the stages of a grieving a lost relationship and found a website with eight logical phases. The good news is that I'm mostly through them, the other good news is that it shed some light on my past relationships, the bad news is...I don't think that there is any.

The first phase was low self-esteem. I experienced this the first week or so after we broke up. I felt like shit, wondered what other people would say, how would my reputation be trashed. But in my own heart I wondered if I was really a worth while person. Then I got over it because I realized that I really am a good girlfriend, just need to make some tweeks.

The second stage was vulnerability. Been there, did that at the 4th of July party. I was feeling exceptionally vulnerable and needing male attention. Thankfully, the days following the breakup (24 June) I promised myself that I wouldn't make any self-destructive decisions, such as sleeping around or using alcohol to console my problems. However, this one day I was feeling particularly vulnerable. So, what'd I do? I went out and bought a sexy, yet conservative dress, but one to get me noticed. Then, I got pretty toasted and flirted with alot of guys... and destruction. What followed was the case of the maintainer guy I've mentioned in multiple blogs. After that night, I decided that I needed to just step away from any type of relationship besides friendship with a man because, I need to get me together before I can invite anyone else into my life.

So where does that leave me now? What stage am I in? I'm actually in a mix of stages. Stage three is denial, which includes fantasizing that he will want me back, or that this fairy tale ending will happen. I keep telling myself that's not how it works and that I need to move on. The website said that normally you want to call your ex to confirm that it is indeed over. Well, my pride won't let me do that, so I guess to exhort some control over the situation, I'm act out a fantasy role to make it work the way I want it to, but I'm thinking that its time to move on.

Stage four is feelings of bitterness, which I'm guessing can also be classified with anger. The whole schpiel last night about how I'm tired of a lot of relationship BS and how I'm not going to put up with it anymore is a sign of this stage. Remembering all the jacked up stuff that he did, all the hypocrisy, all the manipulation, lack of respect, mean things he said, guilt trips, etc. But maybe I'm in a step 3.5, a pendulum between denial and anger. I remember that first kiss that he gave me and I think, "Ugh! I'll never find anyone! He was so great!" Then I remember all said stuff from above and think, "I never want to deal with that shit again!"

But the insight about other relationships was that I never really got past the denial stage. With Clarke (first major boyfriend), I keep thinking that maybe I'll be in Maryland one day and he'll be there, see me and realize what a retard he was. Or Jay, I think once or twice I thought about him finding me in Oklahoma. Or Bobby, that I'll run into him and he'll be magically recovered from his alcoholism. Or Ben, or Ryan. I think that I never really got out of that denial phase with any of them. And while it may be normal to miss certain aspects of that person, its also not healthy to not allow yourself to heal.

The fifth phase is taking time off, which is what I'm realizing that I'm doing. Funny thing, this time I'm happy with it. I'm happy being single. Sometimes part of me wants to skip this phase and jump right to the "fall in love again phase," But I'm pretty sure that I would f*** that s*** up just as bad if not worse.

I keep going back to that quote that I love from Eat Pray Love, "Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy, or breaking up with a guy! I have not given myself 2 weeks of a breather to just deal with myself." I haven't given myself time to REALLY deal with myself, I'm always distracted by having a man.


Anyway, I'll finish this later I g2g2 work.

Just another day

Today I slept until about 1:05 PM. I couldn't sleep last night. I think a combination of my brain refusing to shut off and the TV. Everything is going good. I'm making more friends and I'm feeling grounded in my life and my confidence is growing. I'm learning so much about myself and the world. I'm getting excited for all the changes that are about to come in my life. I'm going to be an instructor, putting on Staff Sargent soon. And getting my associate's degree. There's so many good things.

One thing that I can't help but think though, is an intense anger towards my ex. I used to think that it was both of us that was the issue, but for some reason I'm just listening to the voice inside me and remembering all the bad things that happened and what was said. I'm remembering all the things he said he would do but never did. I'm remembering how I was so willing to stick it out, but the more that I thought about it, the angrier I got.

I've been through this before so I know how it works. But I'm wondering whats different than in the past when I went off and dealt with it in a completely different way. I think the first thing is that I told myself that I wasn't going to deal with it in a self destructive way. While on the 4th of July, my old bad habits started kicking in, like using alcohol and sex as a way of coping, I since decided that those are not good ideas.

But also, I've given myself time to grieve, time to grow, and I've began listening to that voice in my head that told me, "Hey, girl, get it together." While sometimes I have a hard time listening to it, that voice is becoming louder. There was a quote from the movie "Something's Gotta Give" that I love. Erica (who was in love with Harry) sees him with another woman (knowing that he has commitment issues). After he tells her that he enjoyed his time with her, but it just simply isn't him to be tied down. She tells him, "I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great."

I've been so dumb when it comes to men. I've been playing stupid when I'm really not. I'm smart as hell, but for some reason, when it comes to men, I get so dumb. For the first time in my life I have some clarity. I'm seeing life the way that it is. Seeing men for the way that they are. At first I thought that I could just jump into another relationship with someone else and be happy, but the truth is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be anything to another person.

I need to sit back and marinate in this anger and let it work itself out. Because the reality is that I'm still pissed at Ryan. For alot of things. I'm so angry for the stuff that I let him put me through. And the more that I think about it, the more that I realize, "Never again." I'm not marinating in it to become bitter. No, that's the last thing that I want to be, but I want to think about everything. Realize every game that was played to guilt me, every tactic used to convince me that I wanted something that I didn't, every hypocrisy that was done so that I don't fall prey to such feelings of guilt, inferiority, and every other negative emotion that I ever felt.

But the beauty in all this, though, is that, while inside I'm remembering everything bad, a flower is blossoming somewhere else. I'm learning and seeing the world as something completely wonderful. My outlook is changing and I'm becoming smarter. I'm not turning into that angry person that normally follows when something bad happens. Instead I'm making the most of the situation, learning what I need to and moving on.

Like, I'm taking some of the things that Ryan taught me, like common sense, emotional control, social correctness, etc. and applying it to my life now. I am not really liking some of the classes that I'm taking, yet I'm using my management class to teach me things that I'll need to know for the future. Or the boring history class that I'm taking, I'm using it to learn to read quickly and retain what I need to just to pass the test (thats what I'm going to need for staff sargent). These long flights for the next 4 months are going to be filled with studying to become an better instructor.

But I think that the best thing of all is that, despite all this mess, despite the anger and the confusion, despite the mistakes and the guilt, I am becoming the person that I want to be. I am giving myself the permission to change, to become whoever I want to be. I'm giving myself the chance to be the woman that I've always wanted to be and the person that I've always believed that I can. I'm realizing my strengths and my weaknesses and seeing where I have the ability to go from here. The world is my oyster and no one can stop me.

I need to marinate so that I no longer make the same mistakes. I need to let it simmer so that  I remember, and am not quick to forget, like I did in the past. The mistakes stop now. I made the same mistakes with Ryan as I did in the past, but today, they stop here.

So what are a few of the mistakes that I made? Well, for starters, I rushed the relationship. We had sex way to early, started living together way to early, and I didn't take the time to test the waters to see if he was the kind of person that I want. I didn't stop to see if he was the kind of person that I can live with, I just assumed that I could deal with it. Something that women in my family are very good at, thinking that is, actually doing it is quite another. But looking back, he's some of what I want, but not everything. He's too judgmental and a prick; too proper (Couldn't talk to me while he's on the pot?) and too uptight. My friends warned me from the beginning that he sounded like a douche. Too opinionated. I remember the other day that it was a turn on that a guy talked with his mouth full and told me that he had to go take a shit. While that may not have been the most attractive thing, atleast he wasn't such an uptight tool.

But there's still more about the situation that I can't bear to deal with. I can't bear a guy that can't just accept me for me. I don't want a guy that wants to change me. I'm staying who I am because I'm tired of trying to change myself for a guy. No more. I'm not changing who I am. And I'm tired of having sex with a guy just to have him realize that I'm not what he wants. Or that he isn't what I want. I don't know who said that its ok to sleep with a guy way to soon, but she was retarded (ok maybe I am retarded). I'm not sleeping with a guy until I'm married, and if a guy can't do that, then he can see himself out the door. I keep thinking, What if there's no guys out there that will wait? Well then I'll die an old maid before I give it up without a ring on my finger. Because I'm tired of having sex, wanting it to last, just to have him say, "Yea, well, it was fun but..." No more. I'm not putting up with anymore guys taking advantage of it. I have too much sweetness in the honeypot and I'm not giving it away for free.

Additionally, I'm tired of dating a guy just to have him carried away by the military, such as deployments, separations, PCSing etc. If there isn't any chance at long term, I'm not giving it a chance. If he's got plans to get out within two years or deploying or has orders or isn't going to be able to commit, then I'm not going to worry about it. And I'm not making any major commitments until we've survived a deployment. I know that its alot to ask for but the reality is that I can't afford to get caught up anymore with short term, seat of the pants, hello/goodbye relationships. I'm not 21 years old, fresh out of basic training anymore. I used to be able to put up with that heartbreak, deal with it, but I'm 24 now and I can't keep putting myself through these meaningless breakups. I can't keep putting myself through these going no where relationships. I'm done. I need a man that is serious and wants something more than a fling. I need a man that is real and not a flipflop. I'm moving forward with my life and if a man wants to be there fine. But if not, then he needs to look somewhere else.

I still keep worrying about having these standards because I'm afraid that I'll chase a man off, but if I have these standards and he runs away, won't I be happy in the long run because that just means that he wasn't for me to begin with. These standards weeds out the wrong men. Ugh!

I feel like that song from Pink, "You and your hand." In the video, she's always comparing most men to objects, such as how cars are more reliable than the men who worked on them, her career was more important than her love life, and books of substance were easier to find than men of substance. What am I doing wrong? I don't know. Whatever I'm doing, I give up. I'm done searching. I'm getting my life together before I try to get a man. I'm ready to just be single and stop worrying about it. I have way too much to worry about to get caught up in stupid boys.

The time that I have wasted putting into worrying about guys, I could've been putting into a career or into my personal life. There's so many things that I could've done over the last 5 years. I was so dumb, I wasted so much time. Not that I have wasted any time thinking about my ex... Ok, maybe an hour in the last three weeks, but that was one hour too long. And then there was that maintainer guy who just wanted to test the waters with a girl to appreciate what he had. Another couple of hours of my life, wasted. And then talking to Ben (ex from last year I mentioned a few blogs ago) wasted a few other hours thinking about a potential that will never happen because of his personal issues that I have no interest in.

I don't know where all this is coming from, but something is clicking in my head, telling me that its time for a change. And I'm questioning everything that I'm doing, "Like why am I putting up with this? Why am I letting this guy, who will never commit to me, give me what I need, etc take up my time and upset me?" What a waste.

I'm never thinking about it again. Never thinking about what might've been. There's no sweet sob story to it. There's just I'm not wasting time. And I'm not making the same mistake again. I'm done, moving forward. Standards held high, not afraid to speak my mind.