Developing the situation.

So, I've learned a very valuable lesson down here: develop the situation on the ground. I typically worry about things and try to plan and predict, but the funny thing about life is that it has a tendency to throw you curve balls and confuse you a lot.

I'm not liking the person that I'm becoming though. I feel so off balance by a lot of things that I'm not sure how to react. I was fine in my own little world where I was nice to everyone and quiet. But now I'm learning that you can't really be that way; however, I don't like how I'm thinking... I'm thinking really mean thoughts and I'm cussing a lot more. I don't really like that!

Last night when I flew with this other crew. I kept worrying that no one liked me. I kept getting nervous around Kayla... But why? So to counteract that I was like, "Oh she's ___insert profanity/insult___"  but I decided that I didn't really like that about me. I don't like thinking that way, but its easier to think that way than to feel emotional or whatever about the situation; however, I think that I need a nobler way to look at it. I need a better way to look at it, because I don't want to be associated as that kind of person.

I also feel like I need to learn how to say things in a better way than I have. I don't like how I just say mean things. I really just want to say the right thing but without being too weak. I think this is going to take some effort, prayer, and pissing some people off. But I really like Aristotle's Theory of the means where he said that the extreme of two virtues is not good, but the middle virtue is the best: being nice is not necessarily good, but being rude isn't either. What is the middle virtue? Assertive. Just saying what you think. Not forcing it aggressively or being passively nice about it, but simply saying, "Hey this is how I feel and I need you to accept it."

I was also thinking about another tactic that is not quite working in my life. I used to drive myself nuts by lying to myself about... everything when it came to men. I was such a mess. However, now that I am being honest with myself, I'm a hell of a lot happier. But one thing that I realized about my relationship with Ryan is that we were both moving on but I was still trying to hold onto the relationship, keep it a primary and everything else was just a back up and unfortunately, I dragged his friend into it. I was so wrong in that relationship. Lesson learned: If my partner is not making plans that benefit me or the relationship... its time to move on.


I also want to say that... a lot of my behavior really bothers me and I need to get rid of it. I need to stop. I don't like certain thoughts that I think or things that I do. I don't like my nervous habits or how I have hostility towards other girls! I think that I cover that up with "niceness" because I don't know how to be assertive. I really need to reassess how I am interacting with people.

Life is a journey, not a destination!

Its been about a week since my last post. But, alot has happened. I was into a guy, then doubting it then learned a really great lesson about men.

I left off last time with how I had been talking to a guy and pissed another girl off. Oops! But he was really into me so I decided that we could try dating, but there was a part of me that was like, "Um, I'm not sure about this." Then last night he told me that he just wanted to be friends. But he still kept kissing me, cuddling up to me, just being really sweet in ways that I assumed a guy would act if they wanted a relationship. So I asked some people about it.  I got everything from "he's gay" to "he has a girl back home" to "he's young and just not ready for a relationship." All those I buy but the gay one.

Funny thing is that I thought that it was me and went over and over again in my mind what I did wrong. Then suddenly I realized that I wasn't wrong. I just thought that the relationship was a little more than it really was. His commitment wasn't there. What I didn't realize until tonight is that just because a guy likes you, doesn't mean that he wants to commit to you. That is a very interesting concept to understand. I always assumed that if you liked each other then you would date and if that went well you would marry and call it life... but I guess the other side to life is that men don't necessarily work that way.

Another important lesson that I learned is that I need to listen to that voice inside me. The one that says things that I don't necessarily WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. All those observations that I don't necessarily like, but have to live with. And those are things that I have to tell people in my life.

Someone that I talked to told me things that I had already thought of, but for some reason was unwilling to listen to myself, or for some reason didn't trust myself on. But I decided that I wasn't going to be upset about it, I 'm just going to move on and let it be a journey, not wallow in mud at a dissapointing destination.

I think that I'm well on my way to getting what I want, I just have to be honest with myself first (why do I struggle with this!?!?) and then honest with other people. The good news is that I'm getting better about being honest with myself; the reason that I 'm learning it so late in the game is that I never allowed myself to have those experiences when I was younger. And when I did and I made those mistakes, instead of fessing up to them or learning from them I had too much pride and blew it off. But now, I'm learning from them and learning some hard lessons, but the more I learn the better I'll be.

I also think that just when I thought I had life figured out, its got something else in store for me to learn, so I really just need to be flexible and go with the flow and try my best in every situation, but still have standards and principles that I live by. I'm getting this thing! One mistake at a time! But I'm getting there!!!!!

Don't discount the good.

So, I'm learning a balancing act in my life. I'm working on keeping up a social life, a budding relationship, and a career. I don't want either to get out of hand, but I'm trying to work on this relationship and keep it balanced. I don't want to get so into him that I make the mistake of rushing it, but I also don't want to drift toward the other end and be extremely critical. I think that its going to be a quick balancing act.

He has told his friends that he's taking it slow with me, and I really like that. But also, I like the idea of just letting things simmer and get good. Just taking time and making it good. I really like him.

There are some things that I have a concern about, but I'm thinking that its just because he's a guy. But, as long as he respects my boundaries to stop when I need him to, then I'm fine. But I think that in about two weeks, we should start talking about whats going on with us. I'm not really good about broaching the subject.

Another thing that I was thinking though, is that there are a few guys that are pricks. Like TSgt Green and SSgt Reis. They are cool sometimes, but every now and then, I want to get a lil ghetto on them. But Reis was making fun of me today because I made some mistakes and Green was a doushe to me yesterday because of a miscommunication, but it got me to thinking. When people act that way to me, there's usually a reason that people do that, there has to be some little truth to what they say. So instead of getting pissed or discounting it when they tear me down, why not take a look at it and see if there's a way that I can use something it in to build back up.

For example, when I kept making dumb decisions, Reis asked me if I was ready to be an instructor because of them. Then I thought about it and it really bothered me, but then I thought about it and, even if he's joking, I really do need to get my shit together. Being an instructor will necessitate that I been shit hot!

So, I'm getting in the books, getting my shit together! Ugh! Here I come.

Take care of the things that you can control

I had a good chat with the Chaplain this afternoon. I told him about how I felt like I was on an emotional pendulum because of how I thought other people perceived me. That it is rooted in the fear of being alone or abandoned by people. But he asked me, is that my problem or their's? I know its their's. I am not responsible for other people's emotional well being, but where do you draw the line between that and just being a shitty person.

He also asked me to figure out what kind of person I want to be. I want to be a good person. I person who is trustworthy, reliable, confident, etc. Those are things that I need to control, but I don't know if I've been doing a good job of it lately. The main thing is my accountability at work. I forgot to tell my supervisor that I was flying yesterday, and they waited around for me because no one told him. Another thing is that I was supposed to go in today for work, but they had someone else covering my shift. I ended up getting yelled at for coming in in civilian clothes, but I'm on crew now, my chain of command changed. I guess this is why communication is so important.

Learning from the Past

Two nights ago I went out with some friends for a promotion party. Needless to say, I got pretty wasted. The following sentences are going to sound like a bunch of drama, but I got to get it out. A guy showed up that I liked and he liked me. However, another girl in my party like him also... But I think that it was obvious he didn't like her. So, anyway, we ended up going home together; needless to say she was pissed.

It bothered me all day yesterday how she reacted. But I don't think that it was because I hurt her; it was because I was so afraid that she would turn other people against me. No one would want to be friends. But I really like this guy and have the chance to make some really good friends. All day yesterday, I kept telling myself that I had done something wrong. Kept rehearsing over and over again in my head how I was going to grovel at her feet and say, "I was so wrong for what I did, I shouldn't have done that," etc. But something else took over as I was listening to the things I was telling myself, and I thought. Are those things really true?

The answer is no. I don't think that I really care because I like the guy. I probably should have gone about it a better way than to just up and leave with him, but I think that by the end of the night, after she told him to watch out for me, I figured, WTF ever.

For some reason though, there is a deep fear remaining with in me about people judging me for my past. I realize that I'm over it and other people aren't necessarily over it. Or maybe that's the impression that I got from it. Regardless, it still hurts. In the past, I haven't been the most loyal of people,I'm trying to fix my reputation and work through my problems. But sometimes this stuff really gets to me.

I keep comparing myself with Trina. She's fun to hang out with, but she's just a little psycho. I never want to be anything like her! She hurts people and uses them. I try to stay away from all stuff like that. I don't want to hurt people, but there are some habits that I have that I need to change.

Like learning to trust people. I need to trust people to do the right thing and do it right, unless they demonstrate that they can't. I'm afraid of hurting this new guy, because I really like him. But I don't feel like I hurt Ryan, maybe in a few things that were fucked up. But I've learned from those decisions and I will never make them again. I think that with Ryan, I should have been more of my own person solving my own problems than allowing him to make decisions for me. But also, I think I should've realized that he was too nice to begin with. But I know those mistakes and I'm not going to make them with any one else.

There are several things that I need to change about myself:

1. The things that I tell myself. I'm constantly telling myself negative things about me that I PERCEIVE others to think about me. Like, "She is too nice. She is too mean." Its a pendulum swinging back and forth, over and over. I have to get off this emotional ride because its going to destroy me in the end. I need to figure out what kind of person that I want to be, what kind of characteristics I like in order that I am comfortable with who I am. I am not going to get anywhere by letting others tell me who I need to be.

2. I need to trust more. If I look at someone and they have demonstrated that they are a good person, especially that they have my back, then I need to trust them. I need to take these walls down and unfortify my heart. I need to not only trust someone, but share parts of myself in order to get closer to that person. Someone once told me that the more that you trust yourself, the easier it will be to trust other people. I think that as I learn to pick out qualities that I don't like I will be much better off with my life. Come to think of it, the times that I have done something stupid when I was drunk, were all the times that I was trying to impress people. Most of the time people that I don't like.

3. I need to start making self-improvement decisions for me, not for anyone else, not kids, not men, or other people. I just need to do this because its better for me! I think that once get to a point where I'm making good decisions and am consistent at it, then I'll be fine. To do this because its what I want!




How I need to change my actions things that i tell myself

Keeping your balance.

I had a pretty good balance going in my life for a while, especially after Ryan and I broke up. I was working out, doing my job, doing really well over all. But then I put on a different shift and made some new friends that totally threw my world out of balance. I was scared because I like my balance, I liked what I had going on and I didn't know how to deal with this new thing going on.

The balance off throw helped me to understand what Ketut meant when he told Liz in "Eat, Pray, Love:" "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." So, I'm definitely not in love, but I've come upon some new issues that I'm having to adjust to. Like, adjusting to a social group and being vulnerable to people and opening up. 


So, my balance is off, but I think sometimes its a good thing because you learn how to adapt in different situations.

When you think that you know everything, think again!

In my last post, I admitted that I knew absolutely nothing. I was completely clueless in today's environment, what ever it was. I had thought that I knew everything, but the reality is that I know absolutely nothing... Ok, maybe nothing, just not as much as I could to be efficient.

Anyway, I am thinking that I just need to relax A LOT! I just need to go with the flow of whatever environment I'm in and not expect it to go a certain way, unless obviously someone's getting obnoxious or whatever, but I don't think that most people are like that.

There's always room for improvement and today was a bad day. So tomorrow I can go to work and be good. No expectations or anything. No neediness.

Another thing too, I should just start going with people when they are going places. Like Leab always says that he's doing something, but I never invite myself. I just sit around and wait to be invited, maybe I just need to ask to go.

Shitty day? I'll take one.

Today was a pretty shitty day. I felt like no matter what I said, I couldn't get it out confidently or right. I felt so small and so retarded. I felt really awkward. On the way home I realized: I have no idea what the hell I'm doing today.

I just wanted to talk to people, be social, friendly, nice. But it felt like, no matter how much I talked, no one wanted to talk, or there was only short clipped answers. My confidence was gone as shit and I really didn't know what to say. I don't even know how it started! UGH!

Maybe it's had something to do with all this new stuff going on. I had to check in some new stuff that I thought I knew how to do it, but this guy was like, "They've never done it this way before." Even though I knew that I was right, I just let this guy tell me that I was wrong. Which is stupid because I've been trained on this stuff and yet, I always let other people tell me how its done. Really?

I think I was just in a really social mood to talk to people, but no one seemed to be in a talking mood. Or maybe I came off as sad... which is what one guy mentioned that I should stop being depressed. But I just feel like shit. I have no idea whats wrong with me.

Maybe its what I'm telling myself: I'm too awkward, I'm too quiet, I don't do well in big groups, I'm too nice, to sweet, etc. Ugh! Maybe all these messages have killed my confidence, because, when I think about going in the opposite direction: being  loud and obnoxious and angry, and perverted, I just get scared because those are not something that I want to be anyway. I think that I really am too needy. I mean, I get scared of being thought of as too nice or too sweet because I'm scared that people will take advantage of me or that I'll not get invited out. I'm afraid that I'll be left alone for being too nice. That is my biggest fear.

But maybe there was another element in the mix of things way back when that people didn't like: my lack of confidence. Maybe its not those qualities of being nice that people didn't like; it was the clinginess, the self loathing, the crying, all those horrible things that I used to do when I was out. Maybe at this point I need to just be happy with who I am and be confident in it.

I think I also need to stop worrying when people don't respond the way that I want. Listening laidbackedly, but still do those things that make you appear confident: like leaning forward or cocking your head to one side. I just need to stop worrying about who other people say that I am, and know who I really am.

I think too that I was worried about the girls and that I might have to act like them. I don't really like to act crazy and wild. Its in there. Every now and then I want to act hoish, but for the most part, I just want to live my life. I'm at the point where I just want to ... I have no idea what I want. I used to think that and now... I don't know anymore. 

So *deep breath* everything's going to be ok. Everything's going to be fine. Just keep being me, but without sacrificing myself or making other people make me happy.

Let the men handle it!

While my dying inner feminist rages at the idea of what I'm about to describe, the theory really holds water. Last night, I went to a club and one of the guys asked me to dance. While we were dancing, one of my friends cut in. At first I was wondering what was going on, but later I figured it out. One of her friends liked him. Oops. I didn't know. But I did tell her that I didn't necessarily like him enough to know him, but if he wanted to pursue something I wouldn't be opposed to it. But I also have to think of my life on a grander scale. I don't want any drama or problems while I'm down here.

But after we got back, we talked for a little while, and he said something that got me to thinking. When my friend cut in, he said that she liked to lead; it isn't supposed to be that way. One attractive quality because I like conservative men. However, I got to thinking about the way a lot of women are (how I have been in the past) and how nature really is.

In nature, the female never pursues the male; the males always have to offer the female something in order to mate with them. In birds, some are vibrantly colored, and some build impressive bowers. In mammals, males always fight for the right to mate with a female. It is her choice to mate with him if she wants. But he has to earn it. One other thing that I found impressive was that in eagles, the female make a male fly around with her and then she drops a stick and if he can catch the stick and bring it back to her, he's got her.

So, while I'm not an advocate of domination of one extreme or the other in relationships, I do believe that in courtship, men are naturally supposed to pursue the female. And logically it makes sense. Women can realistically only produce so many children. Men on the other hand can produce multiple children. So, if a male wants to "get in" a female and produce one a few of her possible children, he needs to show that he has something to bring to the table. Its his responsibility to show her that he's worth his salt.

And maybe that's why so many men dislike women who sleep around, at least among conservatives. It throws off the natural balance of life. And maybe that's why I felt like shit for so long because I was giving up something to guys who hadn't proved anything. And, I needed more of a commitment than just one night.

I'm glad that I get to work and be a free woman. I'm also glad that I'm protected by law from abuse and rape, etc. But I think that some people take feminism too far.

So, anyway, I say let the men handle it! I like sitting back and relaxing; not having to worry about stuff and being able to just chill.