Two nights ago I went out with some friends for a promotion party. Needless to say, I got pretty wasted. The following sentences are going to sound like a bunch of drama, but I got to get it out. A guy showed up that I liked and he liked me. However, another girl in my party like him also... But I think that it was obvious he didn't like her. So, anyway, we ended up going home together; needless to say she was pissed.
It bothered me all day yesterday how she reacted. But I don't think that it was because I hurt her; it was because I was so afraid that she would turn other people against me. No one would want to be friends. But I really like this guy and have the chance to make some really good friends. All day yesterday, I kept telling myself that I had done something wrong. Kept rehearsing over and over again in my head how I was going to grovel at her feet and say, "I was so wrong for what I did, I shouldn't have done that," etc. But something else took over as I was listening to the things I was telling myself, and I thought. Are those things really true?
The answer is no. I don't think that I really care because I like the guy. I probably should have gone about it a better way than to just up and leave with him, but I think that by the end of the night, after she told him to watch out for me, I figured, WTF ever.
For some reason though, there is a deep fear remaining with in me about people judging me for my past. I realize that I'm over it and other people aren't necessarily over it. Or maybe that's the impression that I got from it. Regardless, it still hurts. In the past, I haven't been the most loyal of people,I'm trying to fix my reputation and work through my problems. But sometimes this stuff really gets to me.
I keep comparing myself with Trina. She's fun to hang out with, but she's just a little psycho. I never want to be anything like her! She hurts people and uses them. I try to stay away from all stuff like that. I don't want to hurt people, but there are some habits that I have that I need to change.
Like learning to trust people. I need to trust people to do the right thing and do it right, unless they demonstrate that they can't. I'm afraid of hurting this new guy, because I really like him. But I don't feel like I hurt Ryan, maybe in a few things that were fucked up. But I've learned from those decisions and I will never make them again. I think that with Ryan, I should have been more of my own person solving my own problems than allowing him to make decisions for me. But also, I think I should've realized that he was too nice to begin with. But I know those mistakes and I'm not going to make them with any one else.
There are several things that I need to change about myself:
1. The things that I tell myself. I'm constantly telling myself negative things about me that I PERCEIVE others to think about me. Like, "She is too nice. She is too mean." Its a pendulum swinging back and forth, over and over. I have to get off this emotional ride because its going to destroy me in the end. I need to figure out what kind of person that I want to be, what kind of characteristics I like in order that I am comfortable with who I am. I am not going to get anywhere by letting others tell me who I need to be.
2. I need to trust more. If I look at someone and they have demonstrated that they are a good person, especially that they have my back, then I need to trust them. I need to take these walls down and unfortify my heart. I need to not only trust someone, but share parts of myself in order to get closer to that person. Someone once told me that the more that you trust yourself, the easier it will be to trust other people. I think that as I learn to pick out qualities that I don't like I will be much better off with my life. Come to think of it, the times that I have done something stupid when I was drunk, were all the times that I was trying to impress people. Most of the time people that I don't like.
3. I need to start making self-improvement decisions for me, not for anyone else, not kids, not men, or other people. I just need to do this because its better for me! I think that once get to a point where I'm making good decisions and am consistent at it, then I'll be fine. To do this because its what I want!
How I need to change my actions things that i tell myself
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