Developing the situation.

So, I've learned a very valuable lesson down here: develop the situation on the ground. I typically worry about things and try to plan and predict, but the funny thing about life is that it has a tendency to throw you curve balls and confuse you a lot.

I'm not liking the person that I'm becoming though. I feel so off balance by a lot of things that I'm not sure how to react. I was fine in my own little world where I was nice to everyone and quiet. But now I'm learning that you can't really be that way; however, I don't like how I'm thinking... I'm thinking really mean thoughts and I'm cussing a lot more. I don't really like that!

Last night when I flew with this other crew. I kept worrying that no one liked me. I kept getting nervous around Kayla... But why? So to counteract that I was like, "Oh she's ___insert profanity/insult___"  but I decided that I didn't really like that about me. I don't like thinking that way, but its easier to think that way than to feel emotional or whatever about the situation; however, I think that I need a nobler way to look at it. I need a better way to look at it, because I don't want to be associated as that kind of person.

I also feel like I need to learn how to say things in a better way than I have. I don't like how I just say mean things. I really just want to say the right thing but without being too weak. I think this is going to take some effort, prayer, and pissing some people off. But I really like Aristotle's Theory of the means where he said that the extreme of two virtues is not good, but the middle virtue is the best: being nice is not necessarily good, but being rude isn't either. What is the middle virtue? Assertive. Just saying what you think. Not forcing it aggressively or being passively nice about it, but simply saying, "Hey this is how I feel and I need you to accept it."

I was also thinking about another tactic that is not quite working in my life. I used to drive myself nuts by lying to myself about... everything when it came to men. I was such a mess. However, now that I am being honest with myself, I'm a hell of a lot happier. But one thing that I realized about my relationship with Ryan is that we were both moving on but I was still trying to hold onto the relationship, keep it a primary and everything else was just a back up and unfortunately, I dragged his friend into it. I was so wrong in that relationship. Lesson learned: If my partner is not making plans that benefit me or the relationship... its time to move on.


I also want to say that... a lot of my behavior really bothers me and I need to get rid of it. I need to stop. I don't like certain thoughts that I think or things that I do. I don't like my nervous habits or how I have hostility towards other girls! I think that I cover that up with "niceness" because I don't know how to be assertive. I really need to reassess how I am interacting with people.