Today was a pretty shitty day. I felt like no matter what I said, I couldn't get it out confidently or right. I felt so small and so retarded. I felt really awkward. On the way home I realized: I have no idea what the hell I'm doing today.
I just wanted to talk to people, be social, friendly, nice. But it felt like, no matter how much I talked, no one wanted to talk, or there was only short clipped answers. My confidence was gone as shit and I really didn't know what to say. I don't even know how it started! UGH!
Maybe it's had something to do with all this new stuff going on. I had to check in some new stuff that I thought I knew how to do it, but this guy was like, "They've never done it this way before." Even though I knew that I was right, I just let this guy tell me that I was wrong. Which is stupid because I've been trained on this stuff and yet, I always let other people tell me how its done. Really?
I think I was just in a really social mood to talk to people, but no one seemed to be in a talking mood. Or maybe I came off as sad... which is what one guy mentioned that I should stop being depressed. But I just feel like shit. I have no idea whats wrong with me.
Maybe its what I'm telling myself: I'm too awkward, I'm too quiet, I don't do well in big groups, I'm too nice, to sweet, etc. Ugh! Maybe all these messages have killed my confidence, because, when I think about going in the opposite direction: being loud and obnoxious and angry, and perverted, I just get scared because those are not something that I want to be anyway. I think that I really am too needy. I mean, I get scared of being thought of as too nice or too sweet because I'm scared that people will take advantage of me or that I'll not get invited out. I'm afraid that I'll be left alone for being too nice. That is my biggest fear.
But maybe there was another element in the mix of things way back when that people didn't like: my lack of confidence. Maybe its not those qualities of being nice that people didn't like; it was the clinginess, the self loathing, the crying, all those horrible things that I used to do when I was out. Maybe at this point I need to just be happy with who I am and be confident in it.
I think I also need to stop worrying when people don't respond the way that I want. Listening laidbackedly, but still do those things that make you appear confident: like leaning forward or cocking your head to one side. I just need to stop worrying about who other people say that I am, and know who I really am.
I think too that I was worried about the girls and that I might have to act like them. I don't really like to act crazy and wild. Its in there. Every now and then I want to act hoish, but for the most part, I just want to live my life. I'm at the point where I just want to ... I have no idea what I want. I used to think that and now... I don't know anymore.
So *deep breath* everything's going to be ok. Everything's going to be fine. Just keep being me, but without sacrificing myself or making other people make me happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment