I wrote yesterday about how I had called my biological father about his cancer; that in combination of talking to my parents (who are adopted, but closer than my other kin) about their friends adopted daughter got me to thinking. Johna, the daughter, is ten years old, but very badly behaved and her mother lets her get away with a lot. My parents, who are also her neighbors, finally put their foot down about Johna's behavior and were telling me some of the awful things that she does. I know that its hard for a single woman to raise a child alone, especially who has a problem disciplining. It reminded me of my mom and how she never liked to discipline me because of her mother's abuse, almost paralyzed her at the thought of disciplining me. Therefore, I was badly behaved kid.
I never understood why my dad never wanted to see me or why he would take me home earlier than planned, but then, after multiple rejections and hard knocks about my bad behavior (which has embarrassingly followed me into my adulthood), I have put together that... maybe my dad didn't know how to deal with me. That it was easier to avoid the situation than discipline me.
After talking to my parents last night, my mom (adopted) told me also that she didn't really like my ex because he tried to convince me that I wanted things that I didn't, which made sense. Like I want to live outside the U.S. and he didn't. But there was something more obvious that I couldn't see through the trees. It was the fact that he was letting me solve my problems on my own. When I told him how I felt about moving to Minnesota, that I needed to be married in order to move up there, his answer was simple: we'll talk about it and see how it is when you get back.
Now, this should have pissed me off... which I think that it did, but I just decided to go along with what he said. But the more that I thought about it, the more angry I got. And it blew up in my face. One day his friend told me something about him looking into his different options for a job, something I hadn't heard about so I got suspicious. The next thing I know, we're having a fight about how I was pressing his friend for information. I also addressed this in a totally wrong way. All this could have been avoided if I was just honest with myself: He's not that concerned about me or the relationship.
There are several key points to this story: 1. I should've broke up with him when he decided that he didn't want to deal with and resolve the relationship right there. Instead, I just let him get away with it; I let him neglect my needs. 2. I was so worried about being left out of his plans or something changing that I freaked out. This could have been avoided if I'd just said, "Ryan, you're not looking out for me or the relationship, you're just looking out for yourself." I have always had a problem being honest with myself, but I see where its getting my in trouble and effecting my life negatively.
I've also been thinking about how these actions may have affected my interactions with other people when I first got here. Like making me way too clingy on my roommate. Lessons learned: I need make sure that a man has the best in mind for the relationship at all times. Even if we've been in it for a year, if he starts to put himself first, then I'll try a two times to get him back on track. Third strike, I'm out.
I feel like I'm being sewn into all these new ideas that I'm coming up with. Before I just read a book and it was good advice but I never really applied it. But now, I feel like I'm sewing my new standards to me. They're becoming part of my life, part of my heart and even my soul. My whole being reflects this new person that is coming out within me and I love it. It doesn't mean that I'm perfect or that I will be, but I do like living my life from day to day, no stress just taking it easy.
And its also nice to be able examine myself and be honest. I've never had that kind of level of intimacy with myself, let alone other people, but I feel that the more intimate that I become with myself, the more that I can let people know who I am. I can see myself blossoming and I like being around other people. I like being nice and my confidence is totally soaring. Its amazing!
One last thought. I read a chapter on managing controls. I didn't think that applied to me until I got to the part about comparing performance to standards. I realized that I've been worried about having standards and possibly violating them if other people get mad at me or plead with me not to punish them. But I found something else besides people to guide my behavior: standards. For example, there is a clearly a standard at work for how to conduct yourself. If someone's not living up to them, that's fail, not mine. But there are other things to take into consideration, like circumstance, etc. Additionally, my own standards are there to guide my life. Other people's thoughts are not there to do that.
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