Jo Dee Messina's song "My Give A Damn's Busted" describes my current attitude toward... everything. The events of the last weeks, with 1. breaking up with my boyfriend 2. this guy is in a relationship that wants to "test the waters with someone else to make him appreciate what he has" and 3. an ex from last year who's dating another girl but wants to see me when I get back from my deployment, have all contributed to my lack of caring. It really makes me wonder what the fuck I have been thinking.
These are just a few of the many dysfunctional relationships that I've been in. They all have many themes: 1. some huge obstacle to overcome and 2. me thinking that my prince is going to overcome this obstacle so that we can live happily every after. And maybe the biggest problem has been me. My inability to see past these issues and believe my common sense when the truth is staring me in the face.
So, I've decided that I'm making camp here, on my common sense. Every now and then I'm tempted to go back to old habits, but whats that saying? "It takes three weeks for it to become habit."
I would like to continue to believe that my prince will come and whisk me away on a white horse into the sunset. But, I don't think that's as common in real life as in the movies. Additionally, there's so many things that are solid in my life that I've put off to the side to pursue fantasies.
Like my career, I've always put that off to the side to make men happy. How can I get this guy? How can I get him to do that? So, I've decided that if I can put as much effort into my career as I put into relationships or being good in bed, then I can blow this job out of the water.
Also, I think I mentioned this in my last post, I remember packing all my stuff up to put it into storage in April before I deployed and I looked around my messy apartment, my half furnished apartment, my apartment of three months, barely lived in... And I realized: this is like my life. While I'm at Ryan's house, living there, cooking there, cleaning there... My house is sitting here untouched. And when I deployed, I was working on my career and my life, trying to make him happy, trying to show him what I was capable of. And he broke up with me. He didn't care.
How can I be this stupid? I guess its wanting to be loved. But I'm beginning to think that I need to grow up and realize that there's more important things in life than being in love. Additionally, while I hate to admit that I liked a saying by Lindsey Lohan, she had a quote in her "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." "It was the first time I realized that absolute reality could be so much more fun than fantasy." While reality may not be fun, it is what you have to go on.
Jesus gave a parable of the wise man, who built his house on a rock, and a foolish man, who built his house on the sand. When the storms came, which often do, the wise man's house stood, but the foolish man's house was swept away. Often, in my life, I've had things swept away when storms come. Looking back it makes me wonder, what parts of my life are built on sand?
The places that I've built on rock are much better, but I've got to admit, there are many other things that are not on rock, simply sand. I will fall in love again, I know it. But I need to build myself on a rock of God's teaching, not what is right in my own eyes, or on any man's law.
There's still alot of growth left to do, but I'm starting to view my life in terms of a journey, not a destination. I've even forgotten how old I am. I was telling someone I'm 23 the other day and realized, "Oh wait, I'm 24." There are a few tools in my kit that I'm learning to use: self honesty, patience, forgiveness, etc. I think that honesty is going to be one of the most important things for me, because I've lied to myself about men so much, that its pretty sad.
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