I wish my life were like a movie!

I've often caught myself saying, "I wish my life were like a movie." Well, funny thing is that it now feels like one! But not the mushy love story, but the girl one where she goes through a bad breakup and then suddenly comes to find herself. Like Elle on "Legally Blond" when she changed her entire life to be near her boyfriend so he would realize how much he loved her, except in the end, she realized that he didn't love her and that she actually could rock her ass off at her job.

I feel like that's me right now. While I don't want my life to seem like a "Soul Searching moving" (God knows I've done that enough) I am realizing my potential outside of a mate. I have been making up fantasies while I'm half asleep and sometimes when I'm alone where I day dream that maybe I'll get pregnant or he really just needed a break from everything but eventually he will realize that he loves me... But I don't think that's how it works. That's not how men are and definitely not how I want my life to play out.

Laying out on the beach today I felt my heart cry out to him. Deep down longing, need, hurt. I just wanted him next to me. Even though its been a month since we broke up and I haven't really talked to him, it still hurts that things happened the way they did. But hindsight is 20/20 right? Still it doesn't take away the longing. Those fantasies originate within the same place in my heart as that longing...maybe the longing is the start.

I don't think these are very efficient ways of dealing with those feelings though. It comes from when I was a kid and how I had no control over my circumstances. So whenever I experienced something I didn't like, I would daydream about it to get it the way I wanted it... at least in my mind. I always new that reality was quite different. But still, reality is a terrible thing sometimes, but what can you do?

I'm finally letting myself feel these feelings. Its hard because the amount of realization that kicks in when you've been holding back for so long can be staggering. The rush of emotions that come out with it, anger, embarrassment, humility, sadness, all sorts of emotions that I had no idea I had buried behind walls of denial. I have to take these walls down slowly, one at a time, or else I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

And now that I'm dealing with my "Man Problems" I'm much more level headed. I'm thinking clearly enough to make wise decisions, turn away from unsafe places and people, just living my life happily. But I'm also taking care of myself and I think that my relationship with myself is improving because I'm not trying to care for other people, I'm taking care of my needs and listening to my own inner voice. I am trusting and respecting myself so much more.

I'm taking a year off from dating, but more specifically getting emotionally involved with other guys, other than friendship. I've spent so long jumping from one guy to another, one infatuation to another, one emotional high then disconnection since I was 18, if I wasn't dating a guy I was wanting one or chasing after one or trying to figure out how to get one. So at this point, I'm moving on. I can no longer put myself through this. Its time to just kick back and deal with Alisha. I remember I used to get so frustrated even with myself, I felt like I was wrestling myself, but now, I feel at peace with my most of the time. And when I don't, its usually just a small thing that I easily work out.

I've figured out today why it is so easier to stay in a bad relationship than to leave. Its because when you have set your life up a certain way, leaving that life for the unknown is, especially if you don't have the resources to survive outside the relationship, is so much scarier. But don't long for the past. I mention dumb quotes alot, but they are true: Your attitude determines your altitude. I figured out that often times I have two ways to view a situation, which can ultimately make or break me (in essence, you are literally choosing your attitude). I can look at this as an intimidating, scary thing that I might not survive and just withdraw and destroy everything that I'm working for OR I can view it as an opportunity to really rock out with my socks out at my job. I can do great things in my life, or I can let this get me down. I'm choosing to take time off to deal with it, move on and do better.

But the reason that I'm taking a year off (maybe more) is because I'm 100 percent sure that even though I'm making the decision to move on, there are going to be moments where I get emotional or mad or sad and I need to deal with it. But its not just Ryan that I need to deal with and lay to rest, its everything that I've done. All the relationships that have left emotional scars on me that I haven't dealt with because I was always moving on from one man to the other, or even friends I guess. Trying to meet new people who would never notice my insecurities or my flaws, but as soon as they did, I would drop them like a hot potato to find other people until they noticed my flaws and then on again to the next person.


But I don't want to do that anymore. I really just want a stable environment for myself. I really just want to be happy with friends and family. No more going from person to person, place to place.  I'm getting my shit straight.