So alot has happened in the four months since I've last posted. I deployed for the second time in a year (this time to a much better location). My boyfriend and I broke up because of the deployment and I'm sure other things.
Additionally, I've had some major epiphanies about my life, my actions and me, in general.
Without adding all the dramatic details, I've been through a few things in the last few weeks regarding men that have taught me some lessons, like what I want and don't. But most importantly, my tolerance has dropped from really high to very minimal. I'm done dealing with retards.
Secondly, I was looking up American virtues, as the lines between good and bad are very skewed nowadays. The guy listed 10 different virtues, but one that I really liked was the ability to be introspective. To be this, you must first be honest with yourself, from your opinions and your actions and ask yourself if what you did was ok. Additionally, I was reading in my management class about planning and how you must analyze both the internal and external environments. Its better to focus internally because often times the external environment is so flaky (like customer preferences and demographics, etc). It hit me that its the same in real life, too. You have to look into yourself for you life decisions because oftentimes people are so flaky. Men will love you one minute then decide that they don't want you the next.
Another thought that crossed through my head was that I've been really flaky in what I want in my life, my moral standards, everything. One thing was that when I have a boyfriend, I'm pretty constant in going to church, working out, etc. But for some reason, now that I'm not with him, my drinking has steadily increased and I'm afraid it will get to where it was in the past. I refuse to get out of control. What was it that stopped me from doing this with him?
I think it was because I had someone to devote my time to. Someone to love and take care of. Often at the expense of myself. Its ironic because when I was moving out of my apartment, I realized that there were so many dreams I had for it that I never accomplished. I had wanted to buy furniture and curtains and pictures and make that apartment a home. But I ended up spending so much time over at his place that I never had time to fix what I had. And he's not the first guy that I've done this with.
But in the end can I blame them? Was this really there fault? The fact that my whole life has shifted 10 different ways of Sunday since I was 18 in hopes that a fairy tale love could exist? Is it any man's fault that I gave up college, gave up a potential military commission, destroyed my reputation by drinking and sleeping around, been stressed out, weight up and down, bulimic, depressed, angry, mood swings, all sorts of bad life decisions out of the hopes that one man would love me if I made this paramount sacrifice? Is it really their fault? Was I ever justified in being an angry feminist and hoping that all men choke? Maybe not the hatred, but being a feminist for the furthering of women's rights and education is definitely a good thing.
All in all I have to say that all these things were my fault for allowing them to happen. Caring what men thought, the fear that a man couldn't love me if I was more successful, made more money, had more of a degree, etc.
Somewhere along the way of my life I've learned to do works for people to love me. I thought that if I just did A, B, C, and D, my ex would love me, but its ironic because now I realize that I can only love myself. I thought that he would see my deeds and want to be with me. But looking back, I think I may have needed more caring for than any one person can deal with. So, I've decided that when I'm taking care of me long enough that I don't need another person, I will decide to date again. And I will no longer pursue a man.
But additionally, I think that caring what people think also puts me on an emotional pendulum. Its time just to look internal and figure out who I am, whats right for the Air Force, and my career.
God, please ground me to these things these new values. Father, I pray Your hand will keep me on the right path.
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