So I've been thinking: I really need to get out more. I used to have this scared attitude of what if people don't like me.... social phobia. But its not about if someone really likes you. But.... just going out and interacting for interaction with people, not being desperate for it, or NEEDing it but just to talk to interact. I think that I'm perfectly capable of that. I get so nervous around people, and while others say that's not a bad thing, I really need to get out of my shell if I'm going to get anywhere! Additionally, its good just to develop interpersonal skills.
Its not about a popularity contest or being someone's BFF, or saying the right thing so that someone will like you, or saying the right thing so that people will want you for the job. You actions should speak louder than your words. Actions demonstrate what you really believe, etc. However, I do want to be more personable, I just feel like because I fucked some shit up, and pissed some people off, it may not work out. But whatever, it'll be OK.
I just want to be happy and the people that matter will let me know and those who don't can go fuck themselves. Like Sgt Green. He' s a douche, I've come to terms with that. I wondered why, but he's been acting like an ass the entire time I've been here, not sure if its something that I did or if that's just his personality. But its whatever at this point. Just be professional. He could've been pissed because I backed off and wouldn't let him get with me. But whatever, its whatever at this point.
Another thing that I found to be so stupid was Ryan's excuse for deleting me from facebook. He said that there were pictures of me going back to my "old self." My old self of two years ago when I partied and slept around. HOWEVER, when I asked him to turn my keys over to my leadership to watch for me, he flipped out. And said that I couldn't solve my own problems, how was that not solving my own problems. I don't want that stupid piece of shit to have my stuff! So I worked it out with others to get my problem solved. So, fine, whatever he can keep the fucking things. He can keep my stuff and I'll be fine with it.
I can only think of a few reasons that he flipped out:
1. He is legitimately upset that I asked him to give up my keys, that I don't trust him, as he whined. That seems semiplausable.
2. He wants to keep using my TV until I get back from deployment... Fine, whatever.
3. He wants to keep them so that he can give them back to me when I get back to the states. This.... not too sure about because it seems like it may be a "girl fantasy." But I also know that my friend's ex still came back to her after they broke up... multiple times. He kept coming back for that sweet honeypot. And I know that what I gave Ryan was good, so I'm pretty sure that he'll try to come back for it once I'm back. Little does he know that ... its not happening.
If this is the case, the thing that he doesn't realize is that I've been in these situations before. My "past" has taught me that once a man has good pussy its like a drug. He once told me that you need to know yourself and your enemy. Not that he's my enemy, but I do know how the male mind works and UNLESS he's different, I don't know if he would turn it away once I get back. Additionally, I didn't cheat on him, which was the reason that he cut off ties with both of his exes. I don't know if he would cut ties with me once I got back... could he? Maybe, but like I said, this could be a stupid girl notion.
4. The reason and maybe the most plausible is that he just wants to brag about how he was such a great ex by looking out for my car, which is ironic because he was such a piece of shit boyfriend that he didn't look at my car when I was there.
If just makes me so mad when I think about the things that he said to me, like telling me to shut the fuck up, go to hell, fuck off, the anger that he displayed at me. I saw rage in him, some rage that makes me think that he could potentially be abusive. I hate him. I honestly hate him. He is a terrible person and a horrible man. I'm so thankful that God delivered me through this situation. I will never make that same mistake again.
The last thing that I wanted to address is the issue of my mother's mistakes. Its ironic how in trying to avoid my mother's mistakes I made unique ones. For example, I never had kids or married; but I did sleep around, trying to avoid making my mother's mistakes.
Regardless, I think that I need to relook at the mistakes she made so that I don't make those. And I wonder, where did I go wrong?
I think that the mistake I made was swearing off love and hating men, proclaiming that "no man will hurt me" at 15 years of age. I remember making that statement. I developed a tough exterior to all men. I thought that by sleeping around I would somehow develop a numbness and a need to not hurt; however, I just hurt myself more. Broke my heart and cried alittle.
But now looking back, what were my mom's mistakes. She dated men that were emotionally unavailable, put up with a lot of shit (aka cheating, alcoholism, abuse, fighting etc), put men before other people. However, I have done similar things, just without the relationships, minus the cheating. I've dated alcoholics (although I put up with it only for a little bit), I've never been abused, but Ryan did say mean things to me. And fighting... lets not go there.
So, really, I just need to find a good guy. I put all men on a 90 day "friend" trial without getting all emotionally involved. I stop believing in fairy tales where we can just meet and then *poof* we're in love. That's not how the real world works. I give myself time to get to know this person and I am honest with myself about the situation. I trust myself to make these decisions. I don't swing on a pendulum of who likes me and who doesn't. I care about being personable and professional. I do my job to the best of my ability and I believe in myself to be honest and a good person. I am in control of my life. My locus of control is internal, not external. Meaning that I don't need people, things or situations who I am as a person. When I make a mistake, regardless of how hard it is to admit, I will admit it and learn from it. While external factors do not validate me, I can learn from my environment, which is normal in the wild. I will figure out what I need to do and make my decisions accordingly.
I move forward with my life in confidence and I no longer dwell on the past. I am a good person and each day I try to live my life accordingly. I judge people by their character, not their physical characteristics.
PS One last thought, its easy to call a girl a whore or to lump her into a category similar when you have feelings for her but can't handle them. Its easier for Ryan to tell me that my past is the reason that he deleted me when he obviously couldn't handle me talking to other guys on facebook. He's such a fucking tool. I can't believe that I put up with his shit for so long. Never again. Additionally, I'm SO glad that I didn't have a kid with him!
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