Marriage: Take it Seriously

I have been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. She's got some really good points about marriage; random points that have passed through my mind but I never connected the dots until she did it for me. I knew that marriage can be unhappy, people can change their minds over time about their spouse and their love for them, and that being in an unhappy marriage can be hell! However, she put it into a new light that clicked alot of things for me.

Marriage has changed so much over the centuries, evolving from arranged marriages for political reasons, family wealth, alliances, etc. to marriage as an expression of who you are. Basically, when you take religion, government, and society out of marriage, what do you have? When you look at history, where marriage was once about protection and expanding family and kin, then evolved into what it is today, where do you go? What is marriage? Is it necessary anymore? How does it apply to my life?

I really don't need a man for any reason other than companionship... and sex, but I've decided to wait until I'm married before I have sex. Is that even plausible when you take religion out of it all, because most people only wait until marriage for religious reasons? Yes it is. While my decision makes me obedient to God, my exact reason for waiting isn't because of God. Its because I'm done dealing with the heartbreak that comes from all the issues that dating and sex bring.

I'm also beginning to understand the magnitude of the decision to get married. Not only is it a tremendous legal issue, but its falling apart can cause emotional damage beyond knowing, something that I never want to go through. However, I do know how the human heart works, it can be very flaky, very quick to turn. Marriage in itself is like walking into a casino and throwing down your most valuable possession, your heart, and playing roulette after they've turned out the lights.

While I understand that its a gamble, I do believe that there are tools you can have to prepare you for marriage to someone. This last chapter took the fantasy out of marriage, out of relationships. It made me consider the grandness of what I will one day do. How it is not necessarily sacred, but a big decision to not be made so lightly. Its effects can change a life forever.

So what are these tools that I can atleast prepare me for marriage? The first is the freshness of my breakup. The beauty out of breaking up with Ryan is that its fresh in my mind. I'm able to learn from it, unlike when I was younger and resistant (to say the least) to learning from my mistakes. I know the qualities of the guys that I want, what I can't stand and how to control myself. Not one event in my life has changed me so much.

I can better judge a man's character than before. Before I had no self-esteem, and I suppressed that little voice that advised me of what I should do. Now I listen to that voice and I judge people by their actions. Regardless of how good their intentions are, I judge them by their actions because it tells who they are, as Maya Angelou said. I also treasure a man who is sound in his judgment, sound in his goals. Ryan was always jumping around, wanting to do this, this and that. I should've known better. Anyway man who can't make up his mind isn't what I need for my future. More than likely, his feelings for me will change too.

I'm just going to take a moment to say, "I can't fucking believe that I was going to move to a new state with this guy! Get out of the Air Force with the chance that he would leave me! Really!?!? I was a retard! Never again. The only thing that makes this more bearable is the fact that I tell myself never again! Its the only thing that soothes the intense feeling of embarrassment at the whole situation."

Second, I understand the dynamics of the marriage, I take it seriously than I ever thought I would. I understand that its not a fairy tale, but a real deal that causes emotional, financial, legal, and all sorts of horrible ramifications if not properly conducted. Something I never want to go through!

Lastly, I have a healthy concept of myself, of who I am and what I need. I know that I need a man who not only respects me, but fights the same way I do, just lets things cool off before we say anything that may hurt the other. I need a man who is comfortable with me, hearing my opinions and doesn't necessarily agree, but will not argue and tell me I'm wrong. I can't be with the same type of guy as Ryan. I'm just not capable of it.

And in learning who I am, I have also learned my limits. I can't deal with a douche bag. I can't be with someone who wants to fight all the time. I can't deal with a broken heart. There's so much that I can't deal with anymore.

So these are some tools that I'm taking onto the battlefield of love. While hoping that my choice is good and my marriage lasts, I also stand in awe of something much greater than myself and something out of my control. I can't control the human heart or the factors outside of me. I can just do try to make the best of it.

I have all the time in the world to find the right guy, but not enough to waste any on the wrong one!