I heard a story about a man who was driving through a national park with his car muffler dragging. Its sparks against the asphalt caused many fires throughout the park. Even though other people were honking to alert him, he just cruised along listening to his music.When he finally got out and looked around, he was shocked by the fire that he had left in his wake.
I feel like that's me with my life. I'm looking back at all the scorched landscape like, "I did that?" Hurting people, hurting myself, messing up situations, etc. Made a mess of my career. And while I'm trying to fix it now, I feel like I have my work cut out for me. Ugh! But I guess that its part of life again, just take these lessons and apply them and move on. They're tools that I hold onto to bridge the gap between my old self and my future. They're skills in my tool kit in case that I need them. Its intimidating, but step-by-step I can make it.
Coming from this I've had to face who I was. Face the embarrassing behavior, people knowing personal stuff about me that I didn't want anyone to know, dealing with a pendulum of emotions, all sorts of things. But now I'm in a better place. I'm becoming ok with being me, being by myself, not having to be around 1000 people to feel ok about me.
But sometimes I do get scared that I could very easily go back to that lifestyle. I know its in there, part of that dysfunction is. But I had to make myself a promise for me, not for anyone else! I promise me that I'll never hurt myself again. Even though I wonder if I could go back to that life, it scares the hell out of me. Liz Gilbert said that she knew who she was: a divorced woman that had a knack for overromantacizing things. I just have to accept the fact that I am a recovered sex addict with a tendency for alcoholism and attitude. I know that its in there, but I manage it and have control of it so that I can live a normal life without hurting other people.
In reading this book, I realized that often times my own dysfunctional behaviors came when I tried to control things out of my control. Like other people and laws of nature. I was such a fool to try to change it. Perhaps my own destructive behaviors were my own reactions of outrage at my own foolish behaviors.
I was watching Celebrity Rehab when I realized that alot of people were there for addictions to control feelings that had to do things beyond their control. I like these shows because, event though I'm beyond that part of my life, it still helps me to make sense of the things that happened. I can see myself in some people and also my mother and the things that she did to help me understand what was going on. It still doesn't mean that what she did was ok or that it didn't hurt or maybe that it will ever go away. But what it does mean is that she had her reasons for doing it.
But how do you react when a parent does something and violates that deepest bond? Well, you forgive them, but you remember that they are who they are and you keep that boundary. Don't let them treat you like shit and move forward. The intimacy that was lost may not return, but I can't pursue something that I don't think I'll get back. A relationship is a two way street!
A quote from one of the celebrities was "So much of what you hold on to doesn't mean anything in the present moment." Which I find to be true. I hold on to my past and I worry that people will hate me and it will affect my future. That I will somehow never have friends and that no one will like me. Its time to move forward though. I'm learning some great skills, that all things aren't what I thought they were and I'll be doing good soon. I'm learning I'm growing, I just need to get out and put these skills to the test. After this month, I'm coming out!
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