I've kept this to myself, but before I fall asleep and those hazy moments before I wake up, when I'm unable to guard my thoughts, or they just flow forth, I keep fantasizing about Ryan meeting me when I get off the jet from my deployment and seeing me makes him suddenly fall in love with me, or me being pregnant with his baby and we decide to work it out, or he sees me at a social gathering and can't contain the love he feels. Those thoughts are so 1980's, bored housewife smut novels, I know. I kept wondering why I was thinking about them, oscillating between anger and need for him. But, I looked up the stages of a grieving a lost relationship and found a website with eight logical phases. The good news is that I'm mostly through them, the other good news is that it shed some light on my past relationships, the bad news is...I don't think that there is any.
The first phase was low self-esteem. I experienced this the first week or so after we broke up. I felt like shit, wondered what other people would say, how would my reputation be trashed. But in my own heart I wondered if I was really a worth while person. Then I got over it because I realized that I really am a good girlfriend, just need to make some tweeks.
The second stage was vulnerability. Been there, did that at the 4th of July party. I was feeling exceptionally vulnerable and needing male attention. Thankfully, the days following the breakup (24 June) I promised myself that I wouldn't make any self-destructive decisions, such as sleeping around or using alcohol to console my problems. However, this one day I was feeling particularly vulnerable. So, what'd I do? I went out and bought a sexy, yet conservative dress, but one to get me noticed. Then, I got pretty toasted and flirted with alot of guys... and destruction. What followed was the case of the maintainer guy I've mentioned in multiple blogs. After that night, I decided that I needed to just step away from any type of relationship besides friendship with a man because, I need to get me together before I can invite anyone else into my life.
So where does that leave me now? What stage am I in? I'm actually in a mix of stages. Stage three is denial, which includes fantasizing that he will want me back, or that this fairy tale ending will happen. I keep telling myself that's not how it works and that I need to move on. The website said that normally you want to call your ex to confirm that it is indeed over. Well, my pride won't let me do that, so I guess to exhort some control over the situation, I'm act out a fantasy role to make it work the way I want it to, but I'm thinking that its time to move on.
Stage four is feelings of bitterness, which I'm guessing can also be classified with anger. The whole schpiel last night about how I'm tired of a lot of relationship BS and how I'm not going to put up with it anymore is a sign of this stage. Remembering all the jacked up stuff that he did, all the hypocrisy, all the manipulation, lack of respect, mean things he said, guilt trips, etc. But maybe I'm in a step 3.5, a pendulum between denial and anger. I remember that first kiss that he gave me and I think, "Ugh! I'll never find anyone! He was so great!" Then I remember all said stuff from above and think, "I never want to deal with that shit again!"
But the insight about other relationships was that I never really got past the denial stage. With Clarke (first major boyfriend), I keep thinking that maybe I'll be in Maryland one day and he'll be there, see me and realize what a retard he was. Or Jay, I think once or twice I thought about him finding me in Oklahoma. Or Bobby, that I'll run into him and he'll be magically recovered from his alcoholism. Or Ben, or Ryan. I think that I never really got out of that denial phase with any of them. And while it may be normal to miss certain aspects of that person, its also not healthy to not allow yourself to heal.
The fifth phase is taking time off, which is what I'm realizing that I'm doing. Funny thing, this time I'm happy with it. I'm happy being single. Sometimes part of me wants to skip this phase and jump right to the "fall in love again phase," But I'm pretty sure that I would f*** that s*** up just as bad if not worse.
I keep going back to that quote that I love from Eat Pray Love, "Since I was 15 I have either been with a guy, or breaking up with a guy! I have not given myself 2 weeks of a breather to just deal with myself." I haven't given myself time to REALLY deal with myself, I'm always distracted by having a man.
Anyway, I'll finish this later I g2g2 work.
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