Today I slept until about 1:05 PM. I couldn't sleep last night. I think a combination of my brain refusing to shut off and the TV. Everything is going good. I'm making more friends and I'm feeling grounded in my life and my confidence is growing. I'm learning so much about myself and the world. I'm getting excited for all the changes that are about to come in my life. I'm going to be an instructor, putting on Staff Sargent soon. And getting my associate's degree. There's so many good things.
One thing that I can't help but think though, is an intense anger towards my ex. I used to think that it was both of us that was the issue, but for some reason I'm just listening to the voice inside me and remembering all the bad things that happened and what was said. I'm remembering all the things he said he would do but never did. I'm remembering how I was so willing to stick it out, but the more that I thought about it, the angrier I got.
I've been through this before so I know how it works. But I'm wondering whats different than in the past when I went off and dealt with it in a completely different way. I think the first thing is that I told myself that I wasn't going to deal with it in a self destructive way. While on the 4th of July, my old bad habits started kicking in, like using alcohol and sex as a way of coping, I since decided that those are not good ideas.
But also, I've given myself time to grieve, time to grow, and I've began listening to that voice in my head that told me, "Hey, girl, get it together." While sometimes I have a hard time listening to it, that voice is becoming louder. There was a quote from the movie "Something's Gotta Give" that I love. Erica (who was in love with Harry) sees him with another woman (knowing that he has commitment issues). After he tells her that he enjoyed his time with her, but it just simply isn't him to be tied down. She tells him, "I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great."
I've been so dumb when it comes to men. I've been playing stupid when I'm really not. I'm smart as hell, but for some reason, when it comes to men, I get so dumb. For the first time in my life I have some clarity. I'm seeing life the way that it is. Seeing men for the way that they are. At first I thought that I could just jump into another relationship with someone else and be happy, but the truth is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be anything to another person.
I need to sit back and marinate in this anger and let it work itself out. Because the reality is that I'm still pissed at Ryan. For alot of things. I'm so angry for the stuff that I let him put me through. And the more that I think about it, the more that I realize, "Never again." I'm not marinating in it to become bitter. No, that's the last thing that I want to be, but I want to think about everything. Realize every game that was played to guilt me, every tactic used to convince me that I wanted something that I didn't, every hypocrisy that was done so that I don't fall prey to such feelings of guilt, inferiority, and every other negative emotion that I ever felt.
But the beauty in all this, though, is that, while inside I'm remembering everything bad, a flower is blossoming somewhere else. I'm learning and seeing the world as something completely wonderful. My outlook is changing and I'm becoming smarter. I'm not turning into that angry person that normally follows when something bad happens. Instead I'm making the most of the situation, learning what I need to and moving on.
Like, I'm taking some of the things that Ryan taught me, like common sense, emotional control, social correctness, etc. and applying it to my life now. I am not really liking some of the classes that I'm taking, yet I'm using my management class to teach me things that I'll need to know for the future. Or the boring history class that I'm taking, I'm using it to learn to read quickly and retain what I need to just to pass the test (thats what I'm going to need for staff sargent). These long flights for the next 4 months are going to be filled with studying to become an better instructor.
But I think that the best thing of all is that, despite all this mess, despite the anger and the confusion, despite the mistakes and the guilt, I am becoming the person that I want to be. I am giving myself the permission to change, to become whoever I want to be. I'm giving myself the chance to be the woman that I've always wanted to be and the person that I've always believed that I can. I'm realizing my strengths and my weaknesses and seeing where I have the ability to go from here. The world is my oyster and no one can stop me.
I need to marinate so that I no longer make the same mistakes. I need to let it simmer so that I remember, and am not quick to forget, like I did in the past. The mistakes stop now. I made the same mistakes with Ryan as I did in the past, but today, they stop here.
So what are a few of the mistakes that I made? Well, for starters, I rushed the relationship. We had sex way to early, started living together way to early, and I didn't take the time to test the waters to see if he was the kind of person that I want. I didn't stop to see if he was the kind of person that I can live with, I just assumed that I could deal with it. Something that women in my family are very good at, thinking that is, actually doing it is quite another. But looking back, he's some of what I want, but not everything. He's too judgmental and a prick; too proper (Couldn't talk to me while he's on the pot?) and too uptight. My friends warned me from the beginning that he sounded like a douche. Too opinionated. I remember the other day that it was a turn on that a guy talked with his mouth full and told me that he had to go take a shit. While that may not have been the most attractive thing, atleast he wasn't such an uptight tool.
But there's still more about the situation that I can't bear to deal with. I can't bear a guy that can't just accept me for me. I don't want a guy that wants to change me. I'm staying who I am because I'm tired of trying to change myself for a guy. No more. I'm not changing who I am. And I'm tired of having sex with a guy just to have him realize that I'm not what he wants. Or that he isn't what I want. I don't know who said that its ok to sleep with a guy way to soon, but she was retarded (ok maybe I am retarded). I'm not sleeping with a guy until I'm married, and if a guy can't do that, then he can see himself out the door. I keep thinking, What if there's no guys out there that will wait? Well then I'll die an old maid before I give it up without a ring on my finger. Because I'm tired of having sex, wanting it to last, just to have him say, "Yea, well, it was fun but..." No more. I'm not putting up with anymore guys taking advantage of it. I have too much sweetness in the honeypot and I'm not giving it away for free.
Additionally, I'm tired of dating a guy just to have him carried away by the military, such as deployments, separations, PCSing etc. If there isn't any chance at long term, I'm not giving it a chance. If he's got plans to get out within two years or deploying or has orders or isn't going to be able to commit, then I'm not going to worry about it. And I'm not making any major commitments until we've survived a deployment. I know that its alot to ask for but the reality is that I can't afford to get caught up anymore with short term, seat of the pants, hello/goodbye relationships. I'm not 21 years old, fresh out of basic training anymore. I used to be able to put up with that heartbreak, deal with it, but I'm 24 now and I can't keep putting myself through these meaningless breakups. I can't keep putting myself through these going no where relationships. I'm done. I need a man that is serious and wants something more than a fling. I need a man that is real and not a flipflop. I'm moving forward with my life and if a man wants to be there fine. But if not, then he needs to look somewhere else.
I still keep worrying about having these standards because I'm afraid that I'll chase a man off, but if I have these standards and he runs away, won't I be happy in the long run because that just means that he wasn't for me to begin with. These standards weeds out the wrong men. Ugh!
I feel like that song from Pink, "You and your hand." In the video, she's always comparing most men to objects, such as how cars are more reliable than the men who worked on them, her career was more important than her love life, and books of substance were easier to find than men of substance. What am I doing wrong? I don't know. Whatever I'm doing, I give up. I'm done searching. I'm getting my life together before I try to get a man. I'm ready to just be single and stop worrying about it. I have way too much to worry about to get caught up in stupid boys.
The time that I have wasted putting into worrying about guys, I could've been putting into a career or into my personal life. There's so many things that I could've done over the last 5 years. I was so dumb, I wasted so much time. Not that I have wasted any time thinking about my ex... Ok, maybe an hour in the last three weeks, but that was one hour too long. And then there was that maintainer guy who just wanted to test the waters with a girl to appreciate what he had. Another couple of hours of my life, wasted. And then talking to Ben (ex from last year I mentioned a few blogs ago) wasted a few other hours thinking about a potential that will never happen because of his personal issues that I have no interest in.
I don't know where all this is coming from, but something is clicking in my head, telling me that its time for a change. And I'm questioning everything that I'm doing, "Like why am I putting up with this? Why am I letting this guy, who will never commit to me, give me what I need, etc take up my time and upset me?" What a waste.
I'm never thinking about it again. Never thinking about what might've been. There's no sweet sob story to it. There's just I'm not wasting time. And I'm not making the same mistake again. I'm done, moving forward. Standards held high, not afraid to speak my mind.
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