Apparently I'm too clingy, which would make sense in a lot of ways. Its something that has crossed my mind a few times but I never thought about it seriously until now. It took me losing some people in my life to be able to see, and not necessarily losing them, but having them distance themselves from me.
I wondered where that came from because I never noticed it. Then I realized, I think it came from that old "Bubble gum" girl that I'm trying to shake off. By bubble gum, I mean: the valley girl personality of "OMG! Lets be like best friends." While I've shaken some of that off (Its not easy!), I didn't realize that I still had this high school mentality where I had to be everyone's best friend and needed validation. While this may seem stupid or embarrassing, I did realize that is probably the source of my neediness.
Whether or not you believe in God (I do), I believe that everything happens for a reason and I like the way that Marilyn Monroe said it: "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Basically, you learn that you are the only person that you can trust. Speaking of which! Management class has taught me yet another great lesson! Its amazing how this one class could be so informative. This current chapter is talking about entrepreneurship. Several of the characteristics of entrepreneurs are: confident, willing to accept responsibility and learn from it, etc. But one thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was that their locus of control is internal, not external.
People with an internal locus of control have a strong belief in themselves and are determined to overcome barriers that would deter others. They accept failure and try harder. However, people with an external locus of control are the opposite. They believe that whatever happens is due to luck, fate or factors out of their control. With failure comes feelings of helplessness and feel less likely to achieve their goals.
Ok, flash forward, I would never start a business, however, one thing that I found interesting is: I have an external locus of control. I believe that factors outside of my control can 1. solve my problems, 2 make me happy, and 3. make me successful. Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I expect other people to fix it for me. Or whenever I am not confident at my job, I blame it on instructors being too pushy or stepping in too soon. But the biggest slap in the face of all is something I've been wondering about for years: I always see what I perceive to be the popular group, each setting is different, but still I perceive a particular group with a particular type of people. There is so much anxiety attached to that group.
But today when I thought about it, I realized that I'm charging that group with my happiness! No wonder I've been on an emotional pendulum for years. And I think that I've even charged myself with other people's happiness, thinking that it would be returned, but I don't think that's how it works out. You have to be in charge of your own happiness and find people who share the same things that make you happy.
So what does that have to do with reaping what you sew? It simply means that I've been unhappy for a long time because I've been charging my happiness to other people. And expecting to make them happy, but in the end, how bout we all just take care of ourselves? And let life work itself out.
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